I'm all for sex toys, especially since a vibrator brought me to my first orgasm, but that doesn't mean I'm for all sex toys. After spending a week floating between aisles of vibrating panties and erection creams at one of the year's biggest sex toy conventions, I've picked five of the hundreds (more like thousands) of sex toys with serious creep factor.
And while most of them are products I'd never use – for reasons such as: I physically can't; I don't want anything that glows anywhere near my vagina; They make me want to puke – let's just say I am a particular fan of the fingers. (You'll see why.)
1. Pipedreams: Extreme Fuck My Face
The thought of sticking my prick in a lifeless, dull face is a big no-thank-you for me. I don't harbor any necrophilia-laden fantasies – I'm not even a vampire fan – but if I did, I'd still rather not get head then get scary head. The Extreme Fuck My Face not only leaves nothing to the imagination, but she doesn't even look excited to see me. While I don't mind extreme face-fucking action every once in a while, I'm still having nightmares about this non-lady.
2. Wet for Her: Two
I initially wanted to ask if this was a joke because at first glance, this meant-for-lesbians sex toy looks like two long, slender index and middle fingers worthy of a bad punch line to an “ET” sequel.
But that's because they ARE two long, slender index and middle fingers. Made of 100% silicone, of course, and available in every lady's favorite colors: pink and purple.
I'm a big fan of puppets – and silicone sex toys – and the bottom of this toy is hollowed out so you can wear them on your own hand. So heck, why not? They're longer and wider than my real fingers, and truth be told, I could actually hit beyond my G-spot using the famed come-hither motion.
That, and I can twist these fake fingers in ways that I can't twist my real ones, and you know what that means! (I get to work my perineal sponge over, and I like that. I like that a lot.)
Though the toy says it's for lesbians, using it doesn't make you one, so give it a try and do it again and again. And next time I go to a sporting event, I won't even need my own foam fingers. Go team!
3. Laura Doone's Hairy Vibrating Cyberskin Pussy
For some reason, nothing quite reminds me of a vagina with teeth the same way Laura Doone's Vibrating Cyberskin pussy (circa 1974) does. For starters, Cyberskin? Not the best masturbation material. It's hard to keep clean, especially when the sex toy already looks a bit used.
And I can think of at least three modern-day Penthouse Pets (and more than a few porn stars) who've got a full bush – I'd rather get intimate with a more…youthful fake vagina than one that's circa 1974. I mean, that's how old MINE is, and I certainly don't swim around the dating pool using that as its selling point.
It looks like a vibrating vulva with a bad toupee, and though it may be a poor man's cousin Itt (everyone needs their toys) this Cyberskin pussy might make a better chew toy.
4. Glow in the Dark Vibrating Emperor
Scenario: You're in a dark room and all you really want is something to stick up your vagina. Or ass. But man, it's so dark in there!
For the times you can't find your cucumber and there isn't enough sunlight to find the power button on your vibrator, there's the Glow in the Dark Emperor, a dick-ish dong that shines with an extraterrestrial-like green haze when the lights turn low.
If I were playing Star Wars porn style (yes, it's a technique, and yes it's awesome) and this was my light saber, I'd dig it, but otherwise, a glow-in-the-dark penis is not sexy.
Besides, once it's inside of your body, why does glow matter?
iPop? More like “iPoop.” Leaving a girl with a serious sweet tooth (that's me!) thinking sour thoughts isn't doing a heck of a lot of good for anyone, and I've managed to lose my appetite before I've even finished writing this sentence.
Resembling more a turd than the adorable Popsicle-esque shape I assume they were reaching for, the iPop looks like the kind of melted candy bar you don't want to find in your pants.
Cute idea…but creepy execution. Besides, it's never wise to stick sweets up your woo-hoo.