The Pompous-dour: Tucker Carlson. Popular in the Victorian
Age, characterized by excessive — some might even say overcompensating — amounts
of hair at the front of the head. Is he hiding a scar? (Bonus style note: Carson
from Queer Eye’s new book says bow ties with suits are “always the
The Pun-don’t: Jon Stewart. What, no comb-over? No politician
bangs? No impossibly angular side part? This guy’s the anti-pundit.
The Bald Eagle: James Carville. The perfect symbol of essential
American values: winged freedom, crossfire (in his marriage) and good old-fashioned
capitalism. The hairdo screams, “Is there anything this man won’t do for
cash?” A bird on the head is worth two in the hand.
The Tax Cut: Paula Zahn. “Look at me!,” Zahn’s
blond layers whisper. “I’m on CNN, sound like Jane Fonda, and have Jennifer
Aniston’s old hair!” She’s less perky than Katie Couric and edgier than
Matt Lauer — which isn’t saying much.
The Flying Nun: Judy Woodruff. Meg Ryan’s shag meets the
steel plate, and the result is a flying nun. Evokes “wispy and carefree,”
but a Mac truck couldn’t move her big hair. She’s got left and right wings,
and she’s ready to take flight.
The King’s Crown: Larry King. Everyone’s hair falls into
a natural part-isanship. The comb-over is the classic for thinning hair, but
King goes with the comb-back. God forbid he choose sides.
The Comb-back Kid: Bill Maher. There they are, the same
flowing locks brushed away from the never-aging face — botox? Or just a miracle?
Maher and his hair stand up for what he believes in, popular or not. And that’s
great for sweeps.
The Phlegm Flip: Paul Wolfowitz. The Flip (a.k.a. villain
hair) requires a lot of maintenance, but as Wolfowitz demonstrated in Fahrenheit
9/11, the only gel a real man needs is his own gob of spit. Look for this
look in mental institutions near you.
The Wig Out: Aaron Brown. Brown just loves to stump us
with complex issues, and he does it again with his hair. “Is that a terrible
dye job or a rug-ged toupee? How does he get that 90-degree-angle part? How
does he attach it so firmly to his forehead?” Only Brown himself could
guide us toward these answers. Dare to dream.
The Desert Storm: Chris Matthews. Matthews’ sandy-(bottle?)-blond
Midwestern football-player hair, which parts to the left, makes him appear to
be the sweet boy next door. (Especially combined with his Kermit the Frog vocal
stylings.) But the only boy-next-door Matthews really resembles is Dennis the
Menace, hair style and all. “Sorry, Mr. Wilson.”
Hair-Ass-Meant: Bill O’Reilly. Designed primarily to give
the ears as much space as possible. (So O’Reilly can hear people whispering
about his sexual exploits — literally, exploits.) Meanwhile, he’s still waiting
for word on the color of his hair. Is it brown? Is it gray? Is it beige? Will
his female colleagues suck on it?
The Left Out: Paul Begala. Just as he was ignored by Stewart
and is overshadowed by Carville, Begala’s completely nondescript hair is barely
part of the dialogue.
The Dark Streaker: Roger Altman. Until Altman, the hair
world never knew you could enhance sloppy gray hair with brown streaks. Kudos.
The Re-Actor: Ben Affleck. This haircut tops the pricey
charts. Affleck is just one of the actors who made a debut on the political
scene. While his do may be hipper than most pundits’, he’s not all that different:
a lot of shine, not a lot of body.