We're sure you've heard, on December 21, 2012 — merely a day from now — we're all fucked.
According to the latest scientifically astroreligious analysis, the gates of Xibalba, the Mayan Underworld, will open to unleash upon the earth beasts and plagues of unfathomable cruelty and unimaginable horror for, y'know, cleansing purposes (consider it a once-every-5,000-years-earth-douching). No one's entirely sure what types of terrors will be released — perhaps some bees and locusts, hordes of rabid kittens…a little fire maybe? Definitely some Mayan Death Lords.
Given the odds, you're not gonna make it to the next cycle, it's time to get your affairs in order, get a little crazy and, of course, get intimate. Don't panic, we live in the Greatest City on Earth, and you've got options, so get out there and make it happen. To help you along, we've come up with a quick open-ended guide to spending your final day in the City of Angels before it becomes the last bastion of soul-consuming death minions.
10. Get tacos / bacon-wrapped hotdogs
Unlike the last ten EDM rave-things you've gone to, you're not going to be able to get tacos or bacon-wrapped dogs after this is all over…so load up before you go gallivanting. Seriously, grab a bunch, and it might even be a good idea to start the night before. The corner of Sunset Blvd. and Echo Park Ave. has some pretty spectacular bacon dog vendors. Load 'em up, there are no consequences today. As for tacos, eastsiders have got options a-plenty. Westsiders, you guys do know what a taco is, right?
9. Get cultural
It'd be a good idea to admire humankind's capacity for beauty before you descend into full-blown depravity. LACMA, MOCA, the Getty — those are some good art-having places. There are also dozens of smaller galleries and a myriad of lesser-known options for cultural exaltation. We suggest you start at the Museum of Jurassic Technology, maybe hit up the Pacific Design Center, and wind your way up to the Huntington. Sigh, we had a good run, didn't we?
8. Get even
You've got a list of enemies and you've checked it twice. Problem is, by tomorrow their heads will all be mere balls in Xiquiripat the Flying Scab's ball court. Maybe it's time to forgive and forget? Hardly. The first person on your list should be anyone who cut you off from the right lane at a stoplight — the jerkfaces who pull around and pretend they're going to take a right then cut you off at the green? Find all of them and give them a piece of your mind. Then find the people who complain about L.A. driving in the rain and casually remind them that a few days of raining water is nothing compared to the raining blood they'll be experiencing in a few hours. Try driving on that, assholes. It probably wouldn't hurt to step on a few fedoras while you're scolding LA's evildoers; everyone can appreciate a properly stomped fedora, right?
7. Get hammered
You've got plenty of options. First off, 'tis the season to be Mayan, so do as the Mayans do and squirt yourself up an alcoholic enema. But maybe you want to go solo and just carry around a bottle of Louis XIII? Fine. But if you're not shoving it up your netherparts or guzzling insanely expensive stuff — try one of those craft cocktails. We hear the Wellesbourne's not a bad place. We also hear that there's a nice bar or two around town that won't be filled with terrible people.
Up next: Insanity
6. Get kraaazeee
If it's still early in the day, this is the perfect time to go full-fledged who-gives-a-shit. If you're still wearing anything but shoes and a cape or loincloth, time to ditch 'em. Pants and shirts — clothes in general — are for people who are going to exist tomorrow. Modesty is not a virtue one need right now. Fashion yourself a trident. Grab a motorcycle or a wild conveyance of some kind and party. This is a good opportunity to do some other wacky stuff — climb up the Matterhorn at Disneyland and declare yourself the king or queen of everything, walk on the grass at Pepperdine, take photos of vendors in Venice for free, get one of those Diddy Riese ice-cream sandwiches. Fuck it, get two.
5. Get entertained
If you're doing this right, by now you're already soaked in more booze than Nick Nolte's stubble on payday. What better a way to close out your existence than by laughing your tipsy ass all the way to Armageddon. Since most of the best comedy shows go down earlier in the week, you might want to hit up the UCB or one of the larger venues for your final yuks and chuckles. Joe Rogan's hosting something at the Wiltern and then there's the Boofont Sisters Jingling for Jesus Drag Show, because, why not? There's also a ridiculous metal show.
4. Get together
Laughing in the face of endtimes, maniacally enjoying metalocalypse, it's about time to stop by a few parties. Fortunately, we've already got at fantastic list for you. El Vez's antics may, indeed, remind you that everything is going to be OK. (Even thought it won't be.)
Up next: Food
3. Get a sandwich
Time for one last bite. Two words: Porchetta. Sandwich. Done and done. This needs no further explanation.
2. Get laid
Seriously, hours from now you're going to be running yourself exhausted trying to avoid Ahalpuh the Pus Demon and Ahaltocob the Stabbing Demon, so why waste your time on much else? Is it time to make woo upon a wildly attractive object of your desire — maybe even a celebrity? Sadly, that's inherently flawed thinking. Flush that idea and go mediocre. Trade down, or at least sideways. The problem is that everyone and their cousin is going to be trying to trade up and good looking people will be in high demand. Why not get busy with some pedestrian piece in your final hours? Chances are you'll fare much better and have more fun. It's the end of the world for cripessakes, just get it done.
Protip: If you're going to find a celebrity that isn't holed up in a fancypants bunker, they'll be probably whooping it up at the Standard or Skybar or something. But, the best place in L.A. to find middling good, giving and game semi-lookers? USC. Hands down.
1. Get tranquil
Time's probably running out, so best make your way to Griffith Park Observatory — the city's best vantage point. Popular wisdom says to bring some drugs of the fungal variety and enjoy the twinkly lights. If this were any normal Star Party or whatever, that wouldn't be so bad. This being the apocalypse — get your hands on everything you can snort, huff, swallow or rectally absorb. It's going to look like Hieronymous Bosch's glue-induced nightmare out there pretty soon, so limber up.
See you all in Xibalba, jerks.