It’s May, and we’re all still standing! Thank you, television! I was gonna add that May is looking up, but then I noticed there’s a three-hour-long Carpool Karaoke special, so instead I’ll just say that May has some growing up to do, and leave it at that. Let us all light a candle to hope that studios stop acting like a bunch of penny-pinching Scrooge McDucks so the writers strike doesn’t happen. Because if it does, we might finally crumble as a nation. Canceling original programming could break us. New episodes of Baskets are the only thing standing between us and a coast-to-coast meltdown. Keep TV in your prayers tonight, my friends.
Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie, May 5, Netflix. I’m in it for Queen Natasha Lyonne’s face in the trailer or the screenshot above. Stop whatever you’re doing right now and go watch it just so you can stare in awe at the sight of that perfect mug of hers set in a position of slack-jawed incredulity. It is a face like no other; a face that launched a thousand ships and over two dozen slashfic pieces penned by yours truly. Oh yeah, the movie — it’s some kind of detective comedy starring Jeff Garlin. It looks all right, with the slim chance of being Naked Gun–caliber stupid greatness. Worth a shot!
Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery, May 9, Netflix. Norm is aces at the most insufferable of all TV forms: the stand-up special. It’s nearly impossible to like someone after watching them do stand-up, and so, for that alone, he deserves to be the President of Television. Plus, there’s something just a little off about him; it puts me on edge and makes me feel like he’s gonna say something entirely not kosher at any moment and then I’m gonna have to hate him. I’m legit afraid to look at his Twitter feed. Is it terrible? (Note to editor: If it’s terrible, can you just take this out?) But until that day (which I pray never comes), I will enjoy his Norm-ness, and you should, too!
Anne With an E, May 12, Netflix. This eight-episode adaptation of Anne of Green Gables BETTER BRING IT. I had my sexual awakening to Gilbert from the ’80s Canadian version, and I honestly cried when I found out the actor who played him, Jonathan Crombie, died of a brain hemorrhage in 2015. I know I’m not the only woman who did. I want you to stand up and look around you; every third woman you see had the exact same experience. We all wanted to be Anne Shirley, wearing tablecloth-inspired dresses as we sat on the grassy knolls of Prince Edward Island and contemplated how we longed to lose our v-card to Gilbert. And so this eight-episode Netflix original from Breaking Bad writer Moira Walley-Beckett better come correct with that Megan Follows’level realness. If she doesn’t, I will have no choice but to break bad on her face with my butt.
I Love Dick, May 12, Amazon
I’ve seen a few episodes of this fabulous pretentious mess from Transparent’s Jill Soloway (and playwright Sarah Gubbins), and all I can say is it’s weird and great and there’s a scene where Kathryn Hahn eats several tacos as if she were a hamster and they were her delicious hamster children. In the scene, which could easily be a stand-alone short, Hahn has the face of a wild animal and the mannerisms to match, and it’s the finest bit of comic acting since Reese Witherspoon’s courtroom scene in Freeway. Bow down.
Downward Dog, May 19, NBC. Fargo’s Allison Tolman, *fat Italian chef’s kiss*, starring in a show narrated by her dog. I’m confused because: Allison Tolman, *fat Italian chef’s kiss*, and then also: show narrated by a dog. But then, Dog With a Blog is a HUGE hit, and it doesn’t even have Allison Tolman, so?! This one is a comedy, and word is the dog (voiced by Samm Hodges) is philosophical.
The Keepers, May 19, Netflix. This seven-part doc is gunning for the spot in your psyche that The Jinx/Making a Murderer ripped open. The Keepers doubles down on your sick fascination with murdered women by adding in an unexpected element — the murdered woman is a nun! Her name was Sister Cathy and she’s been dead and gone for five decades, and her case is cold as can be. Or is it?! Stay tuned. (I know you will. This will be the only show I don’t have to beg you to watch, because humans are gross.)
Twin Peaks, May 21, Showtime. David Lynch is back to deliver a bunch more episodes of the cult hit I’ve successfully lied to two different men about watching to get laid. I was all “log lady” and “moody lighting” and then we’re having sex. I’m the best! Men are so dumb! To be quite honest, I could never get through the original show, but maybe now that 25 years has passed, Lynch will have morphed into a completely different creator-director and I’ll be into it? Even if not, you’ll probably love it, because you’re much more cultured than I am and also better at pretending to love boring stuff. JK, it’ll be wonderful, I’m sure.
The Bachelorette, May 22, ABC. It’s the first black Bachelorette! It only took 9,342 seasons, and I can’t wait for the KKK to protest ABC for being SJWs.
Dark Angel, May 21, PBS. Downton Abbey's Joanne Froggatt stars as Britain's first female serial killer, Mary Ann Cotton. Everything about that last sentence is good, and I will be watching. (Also, maybe she can go back in time and kill Mr. Bates and set Anna Bates free from the chains that bind her to his boring ass?)