[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: “You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”
Atmospherics: Admittedly, this is pretty brilliantly composed. It is moody and fun and clever.
History: Duh. From the cartoon special for How The Grinch Stole Christmas! that first ran on TV in the sixties. It was written by Dr. Seuss and sung by Thurl Ravenscroft, most famous for having been the voice of Tony the Tiger for more than 50 years. That's where the trickery begins though. Don't assume that because one of America's most beloved mascots is tangentially involved that this is not entirely evil. Have you even ever listened to the lyrics? It's pretty much the meanest diss song of all-time. Tupac heard it and was like, “Yo, don't you think this is a little harsh?”
Scientific Analysis: Every kid (in America, anyway) has heard this song. And everyone thinks it's just about the cutest thing in the world. But you know what this is? Hatemongering. Like a motherfucker. And why, because he doesn't look like a Who? So, what does that mean — who's next on the list? Mexicans? That's not very chillwave, bro.
The Grinch is trying to steal Christmas? No shit he was trying to steal Christmas. He had all of those Who bastards down there in their posh little private community talking shit about him all day. What else was he supposed to do? He couldn't just sit there and take it. That would have probably inspired the Who's to sing “You're A Pussy, Mr. Grinch” or something.
A closer look at some of the lyrics from this brochure of hate literature:
“Your brain is full of spiders.”
Yo, how about some consideration? What if it's a medical illness? What if those are cancer spiders? You're seriously making fun of a guy with brain cancer? Cool, cool. Oh, hey, do me a favor. When you get to Hell, ask Satan how your mom is doing.
“You're soul is an appalling dump heap.”
His soul? It wasn't enough for you with the cancer? The hatred here has transcended the physical realm. We're into existential hate, the highest level of hatedom.
“Your heart is an empty hole.”
ORLY? Let me look. Nope… nope. Wait…. I think there's something in there… yep… here it comes… oh, I see it now. It's a “Fuck you.”
“You nauseate me.”
I mean, you don't just say that to another living thing. It's not even clever. It's just hurtful.
“You're a crooked jerky jockey.”
Pretty sure you just accused The Grinch of having sex with a man with a penis that hooks in one direction or the other.
“You drive a crooked horse.”
The Grinch also has a penis that hooks? Dude.
Maybe if they weren't so busy with their Anti-Grinch propaganda, they could've spent a little more time securing their homes and protecting their children. I mean, it's not like The Grinch was all Ocean's 11 on them. That motherfucker came crawling in through the chimney. A chimney, bro. Doesn't seem that hard to prevent.
And, really, his biggest crime is trying to steal Christmas? Dude, my Uncle Eddy has done something every year since 1997 (the year his wife left him) that has, in effect, stolen at least a little bit of Christmas.
He once pantomimed having sex with the Christmas turkey right after it'd been taken out of the oven. He said he was, and this is an actual quote, “basting the turkey like a real man.”
You know what Uncle Eddy's favorite Christmas tradition is? He still does this to this day: He walks up to you, real ginger-like, and says, “Hey, mijo, come here. Merry Christmas. I mean that. Look, I know how I am. You're a good kid. Here, I have a little something for you.” Then he goes into his pocket and begins to pull out what might be cash (HOLYCHRISTUNCLEEDDYISNTANASSHOLEANYMORE!!!). And when you lean in to see what it is, he goes, “TAKE THIS, PUTA! HAHAHA” and then he farts on you. And he thinks that shit is high comedy. He has farted on someone for the last 14 Christmases, man.
(I) Maybe Tony the Tiger wasn't so ggrrreeeaaaattt after all? Maybe he was just a covert rrrraaaaccccciiiisssttttt?
(II) The Whos might hate Mexicans.
(III) Uncle Eddy is the worst.