[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Saved by the Bell's theme song
History: Saved by the Bell was a TV show that came on in 1989 that everyone loved without reservation because everyone was being sincere about how they felt because they were kids but then everyone grew up and turned into great big obnoxious assholes so now they try and say that, yeah, sure, they loved it but even as a kid they understood it was a bad show and then you have to stand there and listen to them try to intellectualize it while you silently hope a plane falls out of the sky and lands right the fuck on your forehead.
Oh, really, you thought the show presented the idea of bonism (since this is a post about school: look it up) in such an ultra-obvious way that it pushed the program beyond badness and into transcendence, that you always found Zach's antidisestablishmentarianism a tad trite but ultimately poignant? No you didn't, dick. He's Zach Morris, not Che Guevara. You were nine. You thought it was funny that Screech fell down a lot.
Atmospherics: Early morning madness; guitar-lick swagger; what older guys thought that rock and roll sounded like to the youth.
Scientific Analysis: Let us assume that the purpose of this song is to exist as the internal dialogue experienced by a less-than-ideal student on a morning when he wakes up late for school, not as a metaphor for the grander narrative of modern America's sudden moral reclusiveness in the Internet era. There are a few issues with the lyrics. It's short, so let's go line by line:
Well, I wake up in the morning …
Cool. You're not dead. That's good. That's a good start to your day. Nothing wrong here. Fwd.
And the 'larm gives out a warning …
Wait. Okay, so, to clarify, you woke up before the alarm clock? I'm a little confused, but whatevs. Everyone's probably woken up a couple of times before the alarm clock has gone off before, though it's likely nobody was ridiculous enough to refer to it as a “'larm” afterwards. It's one letter. Did you really think you were saving a lot of time, asshole? Or, rather, 'sshole?
And I don't think I'll ever make it on time.
Can we get a Zach Morris Timeout here, because you're sounding like a real pussy right about now, kid. Just hustle up. You'll be fine.
Oh, also: If you woke up before the alarm went off, you shouldn't be late. Unless you set the alarm to ring later than you needed it, in which case nobody wants to listen to you complain about something you're entirely responsible for. You're like the lady screaming her balls off at the corner store because someone just drove off with her newborn son because she left him inside of a running car in the parking lot while she went inside to get a lotto ticket. You don't get to complain, dummy. You get to get punched in the dick. Don't leave your kid in a car.
Oh, also also: I don't know who this song is about, but I do know who it isn't about: Zach. Zach was boss nuts. He'd never freak out about being a little late to school. Remember when he drove drunk? Remember when he kidnapped that Russian kid? Remember when used subliminal messages because he wanted to get Kelly to give him a handy in the restroom (or something)?
By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look …
Probably wanna hit those teeth with a toothbrush real quick though. Just a thought.
I'm at the corner, just in time to see the bus fly by. It's all right, 'cos I'm saved by the bell.
Wait. “Saved by the bell” would imply that you were about to be had, but then a bell rang, which would signify the end of something (a class, a boxing round, circle jerk, etc.), thus you were saved. How does that play here? Your story's turning to dust, yo.
If the teacher pops a test, I know I'm in a mess …
Didn't you say you had taken your books home? You didn't study? Why did you take them home then? Why did you set your alarm clock to ring after you needed it? Why didn't you brush your teeth? Why don't you just go ahead and die already?
And my dog ate all my homework last night. Riding low in my chair, she won't know that I'm there …
Jackass, you know teachers take attendance, right? Teachers aren't allowed to just lose kids. She's going to look around a bit. You're going to have to do more than just slouch.
It's like, when have you ever been playing Hide n' Seek and been like, “Oooh, I know, I'll just ride low in this chair, Tony totally won't know that I'm here”? Never. Hunching over doesn't make you hard to see. I mean, if that were the case, my Uncle Javier would be invisible. He has the posture of a goddamn candy cane.
That'll be enough, I'd think.
(I) Zach Morris is Zach Morris and not a Cuban guerrilla.
(II) Jessie Spano will always be remembered for being so excited, so excited, so … scared.
(III) Say all of the word “alarm.” Don't be a dick.
(IV) Riding low does not affect visibility relative to teachers picking up homework.