Last week, DJ Khaled announced the creation of his We the Best Music, a new vanity label that will be distributed and released under the Def Jam umbrella. In a press conference to promote the pact, Khaled repeatedly proclaimed “we the best” and that “we taking over internationally.” As I find Khaled neither “the best” nor a viable candidate for global supremacy, I challenged him to a debate. Most graciously, Khaled accepted the offer and informed me, “you the worst.” I knew right then that I was in for a difficult time. It's hard enough to debate when your opponent has hired Rick Ross to school him on the ways of elocution, let alone when he is a cunning linguist capable of eluding the sand traps of conventional English grammar.

Moderator (Birdman): May you each make an opening statement to prove who be the #1 stunna. (Makes bird call)

Khaled: We the best. We takin over!

[Audience roars with applause]

Weiss: Who's the best?

Khaled: We

Weiss: Why?

Khaled: Because….I'm so hood.

Weiss: I always thought you'd look good in one of those tropical-colored hipster hoodies. Fair play.

Baby makes unwanted and lascivious eye contact with Weiss and Khaled. Khaled tries on a hoodie and continues to chant “I'm so hood” to deafening approval from the room.

Not So Hood


Weiss: But how can you be the best if all you do is say a bunch of annoying one-line catchphrases and ride around all day in speedboats? And, have you ever considered professional motorboating? I saw your work in the video for “Speedin'” and I must say that you've got a future in it. Nay, I say that I know?

DJ Khaled: Nay! We for the people!

Weiss: What people?

DJ Khaled: Dade County! Stand up. Let's go!

Khaled waves his arms and the “We the Best” cheerleaders run into the room and start leading “Dade County! Let's Go! Chants.” One of the cheerleaders looks suspiciously like Lil Wayne, which is to say it looks vaguely like “The Brain” from Gremlins 2.

Greatest Raptor Alive


Weiss: What exactly do you do all day. Do you just practice screaming into a microphone?

Khaled: I will not be stopped.

Weiss: You're not answering my question…I wanna' know how you….

Khaled: Be the best?

Weiss: I was actually going to ask if there was any more room at the label for people with no discernible talent getting paid obscene sums of money. It sounds like a sweet gig.

Khaled: It's the best.

Weiss: Maybe you're right Khaled, maybe you will take over globally, internationally and psychologically.

Khaled: I'm starving. I'm never gonna' stop.

Weiss: Isn't Fat Joe supposed to be the one saying that?

Birdman slams his gavel [ed note: he was not supposed to have a gavel] hard down upon the desk. He points towards Khaled and speaks.

Birdman: The movement will not be stopped!

Weiss: He's absolutely right. Khaled, I was wrong. You the best.

Khaled: No, you the best.

Weiss: No, we the best.

The audience cheers. The cheerleaders form a human pyramid. Khaled, Rick Ross, Rick Ross and Wayne & Birdman jump onto a speedboat. Fade out.

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