Hi, I'm David Faustino, and this is what happens when I drink (so drunk right now):

You may remember me from a little show STILL ON TELEVISION called Married… with Children. It's generated over a biiiiiiiillion dollars for… Well, I don't really know who gets all the money… But anyway, it's a big, big show and I played the most important character on it, Bud Bundy.

Last year I created an even bigger web television sensation sweeping the Internet called Star-ving (darling of The New York Times, Los Angeles Times and Entertainment Weekly), another Sony Pictures project which will surely dwarf Married… with Children by comparison. Speaking of eclipsing the competition, you may have heard of a couple of little award shows called the Oscars and the Emmys? Well, I'll be presenting at a much bigger deal this Sunday night at the Orpheum in spectacular downtown Los Angeles: the Streamys. I'm also up for the most coveted prize, the Audience Choice Award. Not that I need it, but go to Streamys.org now and cast your vote for Star-ving.

When L.A. Weekly asked me to write a guest column this week on the upcoming 2nd annual Streamy Awards, at first I said “no,” 'cause I'm so busy. But then I thought, I bet the world would really like to hear my opinion, so what the hell. Plus, we're in pioneer times right now. Movies and television? Picture me spitting on them here. How much bigger is the Internet? You know how many fuckin' people are on the Internet?

Here are my winner picks in the top categories. Sorry Best Art Direction; If you want column inches, get a real job.

1) Best New Web Series – the nominees are: $5 Cover: Memphis, Girl Number 9, Odd Jobs, Old Friends, The Bannen Way.

Obviously, my show Star-ving should win because it actually IS the best new web series, but if I'm humoring you, Girl Number 9 should win because it's the only title that actually makes me horny when I read it.

2) Best Comedy Web Series – the nominees are: Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, Easy to Assemble, The Guild, The Legend of Neil, Wainy Days.

Again, I pick Star-ving, but if my feet are held to the fire, then I'm going with The Guild because the star Felicia Day is hot, hot, hot and sits on the governing board of the International Academy of Web Television which gives out the awards, so of course I'm gonna suck up to her. I'm also going to take this opportunity to suck up to Felicia's fellow inaugural Academy member and The Guild co-star, Sandeep Parikh (creator, writer, director, star of The Legend of Neil, the other nominee in this category I wouldn't mind seeing win if it isn't Star-ving). And, Felicia, if I don't get the statue you promised, your career is fucking over. Don't test me. I'm just saying. One phone call. That's all it takes. Remember Blossom? 'Kay, moving on…

3) Best Drama Web Series – the nominees are: Angel of Death, Compulsions, OzGirl, The Bannen Way, Valemont.

My pick? Star-ving is a comedy, not a drama, so the competition's relatively safe in this category. I'm going with Angel of Death, because Zoe Bell is also hot and she knows Quentin Tarantino (whom I'm considering to helm my next big movie project). Plus, Angel is also a fellow Sony project and we Sony people stick together. Politics, people, politics. Try to keep up. Wait, The Bannen Way is a Sony project too. Okay, Angel of Death and The Bannen Way then. Alright…

4) Best Actor (Drama and Comedy and Male and Female are combined here 'cause I don't have time to comment on four whole different categories separately, and unlike the Streamy people, I'm not sexist. Actors are actors. Can we grow up a little?)

The nominees are in no particular order: Felicia Day (hot Academy board member who created The Guild), Sandeep Parikh (Felicia's co-star on The Guild and inaugural member of the International Academy of Web Television – yes, I'm still kissing his ass too), Zoe Bell (fellow Sony comrade and hot), Mark Gantt (Sony, Sony, Sony), Zach Galifianakis, Tony Hale, Amir Blumenfeld, David Wain, Illeana Douglas, Justine Bateman, Joanna Cassidy, Lisa Kudrow, Craig Frank, Robert England, Joe Absolom, Mark Gantt, Eric Balfour, Rachael Hip-Flores, Tatyana Ali, Sophie Tilson, Crystal Chappell.

And the winner is? Me. Or Star-ving's co-star Corin Nemec, who works really well off my energy.

5) Best Directing (again, Comedy and Drama combined. You're killing me, Streamy folks. C'mon. Directing is directing. Sheesh. It's exhausting.)

The nominees are in no particular order: The Guild (Felicia's boy Sean Becker), The Legend of Neil (Felicia's co-star and Academy member Sandeep Parikh), The Bannen Way (Sony's Jesse Warren), Dorm Life: Semester 2 (Sony's Chris Smith, Mark Stewart Iverson), Blue Movies (Scott Brown), James Gunn's PG Porn (James Gunn), Anyone But Me (Tina Cesa Ward), Compulsions (Nathan Atkinson), Girl Number 9 (James Moran, Dan Turner), Young American Bodies (Joe Swanberg).

This one's a real toughy. I'm gonna go with either a write-in vote for Star-ving (our director homie, Sam Kass of Seinfeld fame), or The Guild (Sean Becker – friend of Felicia Day, HOT board member and creator of The Guild), The Legend of Neil (Sandeep Parikh – friend and co-star of Felicia Day, SUPER-hot board member and creator of The Guild), or The Bannen Way (Jesse Warren – of Sony), or the directors for Girl Number 9 (James Moran, Dan Turner) and Young American Bodies (Joe Swanberg) for giving me a boner with those titles. Keep up the good work, guys.

6) Best Writing (again, combining everyone across all categories) – the nominees are: Jesus, I just looked at the number of writers on this shit. Fuck it.

The writers who truly deserve this award are the writers of my show Star-ving (me, Todd Bringewatt, who also ghost-wrote this article, Sam Kass and Corin Nemec, star of Sony's classic television show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, now available on DVD at Amazon.com). But Felicia Day is also nominated and I wouldn't mind seeing her win, or her boys over at The Legend of Neil (Tony Janning, and Sandeep Parikh) who were also nominated. And then there's Sony's The Bannen Way writers, Jesse Warren and Mark Gantt. They're also free to win without reaping my ire.

7) Best Guest Star in a Web Series – the nominees are in no particular order: Wil Wheaton (of super-hot board member Felicia Day's The Guild), Courtney Cox (Web Therapy), Nathan Fillion (James Gunn's PG Porn), Chris Hardwick (Back on Topps), and “Weird Al” Yankovic (Know Your Meme).

Sorry Felicia, but I'm going with another write-in here: Ed O'Neill, Katey Sagal, Christina Applegate, Seth Green, Ed Asner, Gilbert Gottfried, Alan Thicke, Jeremy Miller, Tracey Gold, Kato Kaelin and Coolio, all stars of a little web miracle I like to call Star-ving – a show you, the reader, can go vote for now at Streamys.org to help me win the most important Streamy Award of all…

8) Audience Choice Award for Best Web Series – saving the best category for last, the nominees in no particular order are: the best comedy ever produced in any medium, Star-ving, Felicia Day's The Guild, her buddy Sandeep Parikh's The Legend of Neil, Sony's Dorm Life: Semester 2 and seven other shows nobody gives a shit about.

Obviously, Star-ving will win or I'm going to go Kanye on Felicia's hot ass.

In short, I pick Star-ving to clean house. But if Felicia Day (the hot, hot, hot HOOOOOOOOT, sexy Academy board member and three-time Streamy winner nominated in seven categories this year) sweeps (with the exception of Audience Choice which belongs to me of course), then I'm prepared to accept that reality too (as long as I get the Audience Choice Award which she PROMISED me after the 11 Mai-Tais I bought her on the roof of the Thompson Bar in Beverly Hills last month just before the nominations were announced).

So what is my primary message to you, the reader? After going to Streamys.org and voting for Star-ving to win the Audience Choice Award, you'll be able to watch clips of Star-ving and me presenting live via the web at the Streamys on Sunday, April 11 at some time in the evening because I couldn't find mention of any actual time on the Streamys.org website. Sure hope they send a limo for me and knock loudly.

One more thing before I sign off. Sony Pictures Entertainment's Star-ving is available now on the web at Sony's visionary Crackle.com, Hulu.com and on DVD at Amazon.com. Satisfy your Star-ving craving now. See you at the Streamys!

LA Weekly