ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is an indelicate oracle. If you're offended by the mention of bodily functions in a prophetic context you should STOP READING NOW. Still here? OK. I was walking through my neighborhood when I spied an older woman standing over her aged Yorkshire Terrier next to a bush. The dog was in discomfort, squatting and shivering but unable to relieve himself. “He's having trouble getting his business done,” his owner confided in me. “He's been struggling for ten minutes.” I felt a rush of sympathy for the distressed creature. With a flourish of my hand, I said, “More power to you, little one. May you purge your burden.” The dog instantly defecated. Shrieking her approval, the woman exclaimed, “It's like you waved a magic wand!” Now I am invoking my wizardry in your behalf, Aries, although in a less literal way: More power to you. May you purge your psychological burden.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “You won't do it at the right time,” warns writer Kate Moller. “You'll be late. You'll be early. You'll get re-routed. You'll get delayed. You'll change your mind. You'll change your heart. It's not going to turn out the way you thought it would.” And yet, Moller concludes — are you ready for the punch line? — “it will be better.” In describing your future, Taurus, I couldn't have said it better myself. Fate may be comical in the way it plays with your expectations and plans, but I predict you will ultimately be glad about the outcome.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the coming weeks, you Geminis could be skillful and even spectacular liars. You will have the potential to deceive more people, bend more truths, and even fool yourself better than anyone else. On the other hand, you will also have the knack to channel this same slipperiness in a different direction. You could tell imaginative stories that rouse people from their ruts. You might explore the positive aspects of Kurt Vonnegut's theory that we tend to become what we pretend to be. Or you could simply be so creative and playful and improvisational in everything you do that you catalyze a lot of inspirational fun. Which way will you go?
CANCER (June 21-July 22): I'm all in favor of you indulging your instinct for self-protection. As a Cancerian myself, I understand that one of the ways you take good care of yourself is by making sure that you feel reasonably safe. Having said that, I also want to remind you that your mental and emotional health requires you to leave your comfort zone on a regular basis. Now is one of those times. The call to adventure will arrive soon. If you make yourself ready and eager for changes, the changes that come will kick your ass in mostly educational and pleasurable ways.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Who exactly do you want to be when you grow up, and what is the single most important experience you need in order to make that happen? What riches do you want to possess when you are finally wise enough to make enlightened use of them, and how can you boost your eligibility for those riches? Which one of your glorious dreams is not quite ripe enough for you to fulfill it, but is primed to be dramatically ripened in the coming weeks? If I were you, Leo, I would meditate on these questions. Answers will be forthcoming.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): At an elementary school festival some years ago, I performed the role of the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. One of my tasks was to ask kids to make a wish, whereupon I sprinkled their heads with magic fairy dust. Some of the kids were skeptical about the whole business. They questioned the proposition that the fairy dust would make their wishes come true. A few were so suspicious that they walked away without making a wish or accepting the fairy dust. Yet every single one of those distrustful kids came back later to tell me they had changed their minds, and every single one asked me to bestow more than the usual amount of fairy dust. They are your role models, Virgo. Like them, you should return to the scene of your doubts and demand extra fairy dust.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “The door to the invisible must be visible,” wrote the surrealist spiritual author Rene Daumal. This describes an opportunity that is on the verge of becoming available to you. The opportunity is still invisible simply because it has no precedents in your life; you can't imagine what it is. But just recently a door to that unknown realm has become visible to you. I suggest you open it, even though you have almost no idea what's on the other side.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In Tim Burton's film Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the White Rabbit, “How long is forever?” The talking rabbit replies, “Sometimes, just one second.” That's an important piece of information for you to keep in mind, Scorpio. It implies that “forever” may not necessarily, in all cases, last until the universe dies out five billion years from now. “Forever” might actually turn out to be one second or 90 minutes or a month or a year or who knows? So how does this apply to your life right now? Well, a situation you assumed was permanent could ultimately change — perhaps much faster than you have imagined. An apparently everlasting decree or perpetual feeling could unexpectedly shift, as if by magic.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “I need a little language such as lovers use,” wrote Virginia Woolf in her novel The Waves. “I need no words. Nothing neat … I need a howl; a cry.” If I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, Sagittarius, Woolf is speaking for you right now. You should be willing to get guttural and primal … to trust the teachings of silence and the crazy wisdom of your body … to exult in the inarticulate mysteries and bask in the dumfounding brilliance of the Eternal Wow. Are you brave enough to love what can't be put into words?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “I get bored with the idea of becoming a better listener,” writes business blogger Penelope Trunk. “Why would I do that when interrupting people is so much faster?” If your main goal is to impose your will on people and get things over with as soon as possible, Capricorn, by all means follow Trunk's advice this week. But if you have other goals — like building consensus, finding out important information you don't know yet, and winning help from people who feel affection for you — I suggest that you find out how to have maximum fun by being an excellent listener.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The last time meteorologists officially added a new type of cloud formation to the International Cloud Atlas was 1951. But they're considering another one now. It's called “asperatus,” which is derived from the Latin term undulatus asperatus, meaning “turbulent undulation.” According to the Cloud Appreciation Society, it resembles “the surface of a choppy sea from below.” But although it looks rough and agitated, it almost never brings a storm. Let's make asperatus your mascot for the next few weeks. Aquarius. I suspect that you, too, will soon discover something new under the sun. It may at first look turbulent, but I bet it will mostly just be interesting.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Should you try private experiments that might generate intimate miracles? Yes! Should you dream up extravagant proposals and schedule midnight rendezvous! By all means! Should you pick up where your fantasies left off the last time you got too timid to explore further? Naturally! Should you find out what “as raw as the law allows” actually means? I encourage you! Should you question taboos that are no longer relevant? Most assuredly! Should you burn away the rotting pain with a show of liberated strength? Beyond a doubt! Should you tap into the open secret at the core of your wild beauty! Of course!
Homework: What would be the title of your autobiography? What's the name of the rock band you'd be in? Testify at freewillastrology.com.