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Favorite Simpsons Neologisms
40 Rods to the Hogshead
Grandpa Simpson says in episode 121, “A Star is Burns,” that his
car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, which is about 0.00198413 miles per gallon,
or 10.48 feet per gallon.
BBBQ
A variation of “BBQ.” Homer’s invitations in episode 133,
“Lisa the Vegetarian,” read, “Come to Homer’s BBBQ.
The extra B is for BYOBB.” When Bart asks what the extra “B”
is for in “BYOBB,” Homer replies that it’s a typo.
Blingwad
Or, unclassified transformed matter. In episode 167, “The Itchy &
Scratchy & Poochie Show,” Krusty the Clown says, “I oughta replace
it right now with that Chinese cartoon with the robots that turn into . . .
blingwads! But I’m a lazy, lazy man.”

Car Hole

A common man’s term for garage, coined by Moe Szyslak. While “car
hole” appears only twice in the series itself, it is often used by fans
to jokingly refer to a garage, or garage-like structure. The phrase first appears
in a conversation between Moe and Homer wherein Moe ridicules Homer for his
use of the overly formal word “garage.”
Charlie Church
Homer’s term for someone who regularly attends church, e.g. Ned Flanders.
Another nickname given to Flanders by Homer was Churchy LaFemme.
Drunkening
The process of becoming drunken; this would be the gerund form of the pseudoverb
“to drunken.” Moe tells Homer he’s late for his drunkening.
Crisitunity
A portmanteau combining the words “crisis” and “opportunity,”
coined by Homer after Lisa tells him that the Chinese use the same word for
both situations (imploring him to draw something positive out of being barred
from Moe’s).
Chewtality
The Simpson family is arrested by a robot policewoman who uses a sticky
spray of taffy to ensnare the family. Struggling amongst the taffy, Homer screams
“Ahh! Police brutality,” and as he takes a bite out of the wad,
adds “. . . and chewtality.”
Chestal
Of, or relating to, the chest. As in, “I’m all tense through
the chestal area!” from episode 110, “Bart’s Girlfriend.”
The word “chestal,” in this sense, first became popular in the 1960s
when Woody Allen used it in one of his stand-up comedy routines. Also used:
“neckal.”

—Bryan Gardiner

Top 10 Numbers of 2005
1. 1492
2. 1776
3. 1929
4. 1099
5. 1040
6. 1024
7. 768
8. 43
9. 1,000,000
10. 10

—Dave Shulman

Celebrity Atheists
Notable public figures (living and dead) who have denied the existence of God
or gods.
Isaac Asimov
David Attenborough
Clive Barker
Marlon Brando
Richard Branson
Fidel Castro
Dick Cavett
Chumbawamba
David Cross
Rodney Dangerfield
Brian Eno
Roger Ebert
Bill Gates
Ricky Gervais
Ira Glass
Bruce Lee
Randy Newman
Jack Nicholson
Gary Numan
Andy Rooney
Salman Rushdie
John Sayles
Bruce Sterling
Gore Vidal
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

—Bryan Gardiner

The Year in Useless Products

Cheetos Lip Balm In a bold era of never-ending synergy between
fast-food products — LAY’S ® KC MASTERPIECE® BBQ Flavored
Potato Chips, Pizza Hut Cheese Pizza Popcorn, et al. — it was just a matter
of time before salty snacks and personal hygiene would join forces. Cheetos
Lip Balm is out in front of that trend with, well, a lip balm that tastes like
Cheetos. Delicious, dusty Cheetos. But no orange fingers or powdery mess here!
One application is all it takes to bring the taste of junk food to your lips
for several hours.
Liquor in a Sword Ararat5 is a brandy that comes in a unique
sword-shaped bottle. Pour it into your goblet or drink it straight from the
hilt. Ararat5, made by a Polish company, contains 40 percent alcohol by volume
and is guaranteed to work. And what better commercial pairing than alcohol and
deadly weapons? Now all you need is an artificial retractable foreskin.
Artificial Retractable Foreskin Circumcised men of the world,
lament no more your missing foreskin! It may have been taken from you tragically,
but Viafin-Atlas has the answer with SenSlip, a new “device” marketed as “the
world’s first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men.” SenSlip
allows the aggrieved among circumcised men to reclaim their stolen pride and
present themselves anew in full, unaltered glory. Or at least a mechanical approximation
thereof.

Aromatherapy in a Bottle
Purifique is the name of a new beverage claiming
to be “the world’s first all-natural aromatherapy energy drink.” Not just for
drinking, Purifique is also an olfactory experience! Purifique’s “botanical
infusions” are supposed to deliver “pure plant oxygen” and a compliment of aromatherapy
benefits to lift your spirits, regulate your system and focus your mind.
Psychic Pills It’s called Magneurol6-S, and it’s based on a
proprietary ingredient called “magnetitum,” which Remcure Enterprises says will
help disadvantaged mediums, clairvoyants and superheroes “surpass current human
capabilities by 3,000 years!,” which must explain why their brand of Superior
Mind & Brain Performance Dietary Supplement is aggressively priced at $49.99
per bottle. Still need to be convinced? Remcure’s literature describes studies
showing that animals contain high levels of magnetized iron in their brains,
which is what our allies in nature apparently use to tune in to the Earth’s
magnetic fields to predict earthquakes, follow migration routes, sense danger
and so on. If you don’t have time to wait around for a radioactive spider to
bite you, Remcure might be the quick fix.
Boob Muffs Just what it sounds like — sort of. These are not
winter wear for breasts but rather regular old earmuffs shaped like boobs. This
one comes from Baron Bob’s Boob Bonanza, where one can also procure the more
common boob mugs. It’s the muffs, however, that are Thinsulate approved.

—Bryan Gardiner

LA Weekly