1. It’s Good To Be the Queen. Just over a month after the events of September 11, a press kit arrived heralding Queen Kathryn, “The Queen of World Peace . . . the new paradigm world leader who is stepping up to the plate during this time of crisis to share her message of peace in the aftermath of this tragedy.” As far as we can tell, Queen Kathryn is a woman with an ego and a tiara and a mysterious logo who’s starred in some TV shows we’ve never heard of. Does IT The Television Show ring a bell with anyone?

2. Best Oddball, Runner-Up has to be Regor. Regor includes a photo of himself with “his three working instruments which actually penetrate the paranormal. Without these instruments, the people who are dealing with the paranormal aren’t playing with a full deck.” He’ll also send one of his oil paintings to anyone who writes him.

3. How To Get a Rep:

DO let us know how to spell your name: “To avoid any confusion about my name, please present my last name as one word as follows: Helio Castroneves. The pronunciation of my last name stays the same. This change is effective immediately.”

DO associate yourself with famous names: Ron Thompson tells us he’s “been associated musically with such legends as John Lee Hooker and Lowell Fulson,” but soon adds to the list “Chris Isaacs,” which not only negates his thesis, but misspells the not-now-not-ever-a-legend’s name. However, Stirling sent us the following: “Stirling is a professional pop rock band that sounds like a cross between Indigo Girls and Natalie Merchant,” making us wonder if that’s supposed to be a good thing.

DON’T let on about your lack of street cred: “Hoobastank’s origin can be traced back to Agoura Hills, California.”

4. From the Somebody Must Care Dept:

“Actor Michael Nouri, who starred in the Broadway musical hit Victor/Victoria and is currently toplining the national company of South Pacific, and his wife of 15 years, former Hollywood talent agent Vicki Light, have amicably decided to divorce early next year, it was announced today in a joint statement by the couple.”

“CORRECTION: Victoria Principal Not Confirmed To Wear $25 Million Diamond at Charity Event.”

5. Artspeak Atrocities:

“I tend to work hard, both as an actor and a painter, but I’m not quick, not at all vassal.” (From an announcement for “The Art of Richard Chamberlain”)

“Dismissing facile and overt statements, the works disclose a complex transformative process of visual inquiry that problematizes the classical interpretation of humanism and establishes a comprehensive framework for redefining this paradigm with the hypertextual context of the 21st century.” (From Jose Drudis-Biada Art Gallery)

“His reality of forms are embraced in a story of mystery and silence pushing us to want to know more about his subjects in a way that we feel safe in the strong hands of a natural artist like Paul.” (That would be Paul Sorvino, and his new sculpture collection)

6. Dress in Peace. “Most importantly, Lemmon and Tony Curtis taught the nation how to do ‘drag’ well in Some Like It Hot. He will be greatly missed.” (Press release issued by the city of West Hollywood following the death of actor Jack Lemmon)

7. List Us or We’ll Sue. “I am the attorney and saxophone player for the Q-Band, a San Fernando Valley–based band that plays salsa, cumbia, merengue and other types of musica tropical. Currently we are playing every Friday night at Cava restaurant in Los Angeles. Your listing in the Latin Calendar section for Cava does not reflect this Friday event. As such, we are requesting that this be included in the L.A. Weekly listing for Cava.” (From Albert C. Guido, Esq., on letterhead from Wallin & Klarich, attorneys at law)

8. Concerts We Won’t Be Attending. “Ms. Kaban will perform works by Chopin and Beethoven. The program is titled ‘Moonlight Sonata,’ of which Ms. Kaban says, ‘The title is an interpretation to show how time flies. Each note played by the right hand is like one second of time and the seconds fly very, very slowly.’”

9. And They Say Philosophy Is Useless. In a lecture at the Philosophical Research Society, “Dr. Mishlove will present empirical data suggesting [that] psychokinesis (or ‘mind over matter’) can be used for weather modification, to help alleviate droughts and to mitigate the damage caused by hurricanes and typhoons.”

10. From the We Don’t Know Why These Are Funny but They Are Dept.:

“International Soccer Meet, 6 p.m.; $16, women & children under 12 free.”

“All-Mozart Concert. The Caltech Chamber Singers and Chamber Music Ensembles will perform a program that includes Mozart’s String Quartet in C Major, K 465 and two works by Haydn.”

“Radio Disney is pleased to announce the hiring of Korenne Lofts ‘Korry’ as the station’s on-air host . . . Her dynamic personality and British accent bring a playful hipness to the station.’”

“Citizen Against Noise is seeking volunteers to fight unnecessary honking and improve quality of life.”

“Kansas-based V&R Distribution has picked up Woman in a Forest, the ethereal music CD inspired by a painting by Bob Guccione of Penthouse magazine.”

“Senators Bob Kerrey and Daniel Inouye, both decorated veterans who lost limbs fighting for the United States, have scheduled a press conference . . .”

“Attorney General Bill Lockyer will discuss major action involving Southern California nursing homes.”

“Easter Sunrise Service. Who’s Expected: God, as well as Reverend Dr. Tom Stringfellow, pastor . . .”

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