By now, even Grandma has probably heard (but doesn't care) that the Ugly Christmas Sweater is done.
Such sweaters have moved from being worn sincerely to being worn with irony, and soon they'll move into not being worn at all.
But what will take their place in yuletide ubiquity?
Here are a few nominees, and guidelines about the manner in which they should be worn: Sincere, Zany, or Ironic.
Manner Of Wear Decoder Chart
- Sincere. This is how your aunt wears it. She picks it up at Wal-Mart, thinking, “This is festive. Wearing this will underscore my festive nature on a festive occasion.”
- Zany. This is how that guy at the sports bar wears it. He orders it online, thinking, “I'm a wacky guy. This item is zany. Wearing this will underscore my zaniness.”
- Ironic. This is how hipsters wear it. They pick it up at Ozzie Dots, thinking, “This is so awful. By wearing it ironically, I will underscore my comprehensive knowledge of what is awful and what is not.”
5. Wacky Christmas Hats
Available in every drug and discount store, wacky holiday hats are wack.
Manner of Wear: Zany. You might think you're being Ironic, but no one else will.
4. Sexed-Up Xmas Looks
For Girls: Slutty Claus Suits
Why should Halloween be the only holiday subject to sluttification? In addition to the shrunken Santa suits that have become standard, there are a number of interpretations of holiday themes: snow queens, elves, and the like. Everyone should have one. You too, Grandma.
Manner of Wear: Sincere is the only way to rock this look.
For Guys: Holly Jolly Thongs
Don we now our gay apparel. The compelling documentary “Dick In A Box” has clearly had a far-reaching influence, inspiring men everywhere to gift wrap their packages.
Manner of Wear: Sincere, unless worn as drag, then Ironic.
3. Christmas Sneakers
Every bit as ugly as Christmas sweaters, these Christmas Keds are a strong contender as sweater replacements — Grandmas, hipsters, and frat boys could equally wear them with ease.
Manner of Wear: Anything goes.
2. Christmas Boxers
Widely available, Christmas Boxer shorts, although undergarments, do not belong in the Sexed Up category, because you could give them to your Grandpa. Presumably these sorts of boxers only exist to be given as gifts, unwrapped, held up for a laugh, and then regifted 365 days later. Sadly, etiquette dictates that regifted undergarments not be worn — no, not even once or twice.
Manner of Wear: Zany or Ironic.
1. Christmas Pajamas
The most powerful way to kick the Ugly Christmas look into overdrive is to wear it from head to toe. Couple Ugly Christmas with the unfortunate, unabating trend of wearing pajamas in public, in broad daylight, and not only in hospitals and mental institutions, and you've just made the jump to hyperspeed.
But wait, it gets better: lots of places online sell matching Christmas pajama sets for the whole family. Get your whole family out to the mall in this look and you may open some sort of wormhole portal into an entirely unexplored universe of neurotoxic fashion threat levels.
Manner of Wear: Sincere is the only way to go here.
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