When your L.A. freeway (read: parking lot) commute hasn't even reached the 30-minute mark and the straw in your iced coffee is already bottoming into a chorus of slurps a la Mary Louise Parker, Starbucks knows exactly what's going through your head, because Starbucks knows you better than yourself:

Why in the name of the carpool lane can't this cup be seven ounces more gigantic?

Wonder no more, caffeine nation!

Beginning Feb 1, the biggest name in coffee is getting even bigger. Starbucks' new 31 oz. Trenta cup will positively tower over the 24 oz. Venti, an ultimate test of strength for that spot between your thumb and index finger — and, of course, your bladder. Your poor, poor bladder.

Do be warned, also, that Trenta has some fine print involved. Sorry, Midwest:

This overhyped upgrade costs 50 cents more than the Venti, and does not mean your caramel macchiato can now be served with a record-busting 400 calories. Instead, Starbucks will reserve the Trenta for strictly iced coffee, iced tea and lemonade drinks — basically all the pussy shit not capable of killing you, or even frying your adrenaline supply forever.

California is by far the biggest state for Starbucks, so we get our own special release date: February 1. Probably to be declared a national holiday. And coincidentally (but is it really?) falling right before groundhog day, on which we're totally going to pour Trentas down their hoggy little throats until they're way too buzzed to go looking for their stupid shadows.

Starbucks branches in 17 other states — including Arizona, Texas and Florida — will see the new option as early as this Friday. And the rest of the country will just have to chill with their Ventis and their blue balls until Trentas go all-the-way nationwide in May.

What would Martin Luther King, Jr. think of us now?

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