Gendy AlimurungUnder Arizona's new (and honest-to-god real) law banning “animal human hybrids,” a whole lot of pop-cultural characters would be considered illegal. The law prohibits anyone in the state from “creating or attempting to create an in vitro human embryo by any means other than fertilization of a human egg by a human sperm.” Is something weird going on in Arizona? Or are they just being preemptive? In Arizona, Dr. Moreau is not just a creepy guy, he is a class 6 felon. Just like these persons of interest:
ILLEGAL HYBRID #1: The Little Mermaid
Well, well, well. Look who's got herself a fish tail and a human torso. What's that, Ariel? You want to sing me a song? How about “Jailhouse Rock,” cause you're goin' down.
ILLEGAL HYBRID #2: The Mouse With the Ear On Its Back
A.k.a. The Vacanti Mouse. This hardened but hairless criminal is a laboratory mouse created by one Dr. Charles Vacanti at the University of Massachusetts. The ear is a piece of ear-shaped cartilage. No actual human tissue was used to make it…or so they say. Good thing you're in Massachusetts, Dr. Vacanti. You and your little freak mouse.
ILLEGAL HYBRID #3: Firenze, the Centaur
Half man, half horse, and all thug, Firenze is the Harry Potter centaur who sends Professor Dolores Umbridge packing. He teaches Divination to impressionable young Hogwarts students. He once saved Harry Potter from Voldemort. He runs around the forest with his crew of hoodlum centaurs like he owns the place. Pardon my genetic profiling, but need we go on?
ILLEGAL HYBRID #4: The Wolfman
A.k.a. The Wolf Man. A.k.a. Benicio del Toro in between projects. Sure, fine, yes, technically he's a werewolf. He was born that way. Or he was bitten and infected. Yadda, yadda. Doesn't matter. He's half wolf, half man. That spells “hybrid” to me. You say “potato,” I say “abomination upon the laws of god, nature, and all that is holy.” Into the slammer with you, dog boy.
ILLEGAL HYBRID #5: The Thundercats
I've long thought these ridiculous characters in their overly-colorful bodysuits should be illegal just for existing. And now, voila: they are!
ILLEGAL HYBRID #6: Eric Spargue, The Lizard Man
Spargue wishes he were part lizard. He does everything he possibly can to affect a lizard countenance. He cuts his tongue. He tattoos his face with lizard-esque scales. If the technology existed, he would SO be first in line to hybridize his DNA with lizard DNA. Arizona's got its eyes on you, chimera buddy.
ILLEGAL HYBRID #7: The Sphinx
The Great Sphinx of Giza is a lion with the head of a man. It was built by the Egyptian pharaohs, or, perhaps, by aliens. In Greek myth, the sphinx is a riddler par excellence. If you could answer its riddle, you could enter the city. The Greeks and the Egyptians were obviously ahead of their time. And that is the entire problem. Technological advancement? Not always a good thing. Actually, let's just throw the entire pantheon of Egyptian and Greek gods into the clink. They're all half-human, half-something-not-human anyway.
I know what you're thinking: these characters are all (mostly) fictional. Well, if the passage of Senate Bill SB 1307 is any indication, they won't be for long.
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