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So by now you've probably heard. Some of that radiation released by Japan's ailing Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station is likely headed to Los Angeles.

Don't be afraid. Don't ask if you should drop a potassium iodide pill. You shouldn't. Don't ask if you should stay indoors. Go outside

What you should be asking is how do we properly welcome this visitor from Japan in a uniquely Southern California style? (Don't bow. It's patronizing).

Credit: emelec

Credit: emelec

5. Be a douche and ask if it works out. (You know, 'cause “you're hot.”).

Welcome. Or not.

Welcome. Or not.

4. Follow the wishes of the anti-illegal-immigrant, SoCal-born Minuteman Project and ask for its papers.

Credit: CBS

Credit: CBS

3. Explain that, no, Charlie Sheen isn't doing any more interviews.

2. Advise it to tell the doc its own radiation levels are up, then to head to the nearest dispensary, get some Michael Phelps, and spark up. That's how we do.

Credit: YouTube

Credit: YouTube

1. Tell it to go ahead and take a tour of the beautiful UCLA campus — but to be sure not to act like those “Asians in the library.”

LA Weekly