Everything you've ever wanted to know about limp dick. This one's for the ladies.

Gals, if you're not sitting in your house sewing doilies on Friday night, you've probably come across it: The dreaded limp dick, also known as whiskey dick, coke dick and probably several other things I'm forgetting.

It's frustrating and disappointing – for both parties.

You got all slutted up, whored yourself around the local watering hole, attempted to act mildly intelligent and/or interesting, finally got to the big payoff and…nothing.

As a guy, you troll the scene for hours, get rejected several times, have a couple starts and stops, finally find someone worthy of your manhood, blow a bunch of your hard-earned cash wooing this trollop, get to the big payoff and…nothing.

Some guys get embarrassed when they're in the throes of passion and figure out they can't get it up.

Fuck that.

You should be pissed off, either at yourself or at whatever lackluster piece of ass you plied with enough booze to come home with you.

There's no time for embarrassment when you're wasting a prime opportunity to get laid.

Women, on the other hand, can fall anywhere on or between frustrated and disappointed. Ladies, most of us know when you're frustrated because we're frustrated, too. Guys, these are the broads you're not getting a second chance with.

You didn't deliver. You're out.

Now she thinks you're lame.

Now she thinks you're lame.

Women who show more disappointment, on the other hand, will always give you another shot. Hell, they might even stick around until the morning and give it to you then. For some strange reason, they're into you and your non-functioning junk.

So, how does this happen?

Well, I only know five reasons and as a functioning sex, alcohol and drug addict, I think I've probably tread these waters a few more times than most.

Lay off the snow. Srsly.

Lay off the snow. Srsly.

1. Too much blow.

Cocaine is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Unfortunately, the white powder giveth and it taketh away. If you've got blow in your pocket in L.A., you pretty much can go anywhere and find a decent-looking woman or two who are willing to party.

Sure, maybe they're only hanging out with you because they want to suck all your drugs up their noses, but that's not important. They're there to party and partying nearly always leads to sex. The problem is, if you're firing lines up your nostrils all night, there's a slim-to-none chance your little general is going into battle when he's called upon.

True Story No. 1: I once had a girl so insistent upon fucking me after a night of banging rails she must have been blowing me for 45 minutes. No luck whatsoever. Finally, I came in her mouth with limp dick, which neither of us even knew was a possibility. You learn something new every day.

2. Too much whiskey.

It's called whiskey dick for a reason. Sure, guys can drink too much of anything and not be able to get hard, but by that time they're probably also slurring their words and stumbling around, so they're not getting laid anyway.

Whiskey, though, is a cruel mistress. It's so sweet and delicious, but somehow manages to dull exactly the wrong senses. Namely, the cock's reaction to stimuli. If you're a whiskey drinker, you can drink whiskey all night and be fairly normal, but when it comes time to go for a roll in the hay, you might as well just bash yourself over the head with the bottle and save yourself the time.

True Story No. 2: I drink a lot of whiskey, so my tolerance to whiskey dick is pretty high, but on this particular night, I drank about 15 glasses. I was functioning at a high level or at least high enough to pick up a beautiful woman. My game was tight. My head and heart were absolutely in the right place. My cock and balls were not.

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3. You're just not that good looking.

I know, the nerve! Sorry, but it's true. Some of you broads just aren't terribly nice to look at. Now, that doesn't mean we won't take you home. Due to various circumstances (poor judgment, affinity for low-hanging fruit, masochism etc.), we sometimes bring ugly women home.

We usually have every intention of fucking you, too. It's when the clothes come off things that often go awry. Maybe you concealed your fat rolls a little too well. Maybe we'd need a machete to get through the jungle covering your vag. Hell, maybe the booze started wearing off.

Whatever it is, if a guy isn't high as a kite or drunk off his ass and he can't get it up, it is unequivocally, 100 percent your fault.

True Story No. 3: I consider it proper etiquette that, when I can't get it up and I'm still attracted to a woman, to eat the hell out of her pussy and make her come at least once, if not twice. If you're not afforded this gesture by your half-dicked gentleman caller, it's because you're either not good looking or…

4. You smell.

Nothing derails a passionate row quicker than a chick who smells bad. As a guy, we've worked hard all night to get to this magical point – the point where the shirt and pants, dress or whatever comes off and we finally get to see that beautiful body in all its glory.

Imagine that level of excitement and anticipation being met with a giant wafting whiff of body order. Nothing makes a dick drop quicker. At least with whiskey and coke dick, it's a gradual process – one that can be stopped at any time.

The body odor dick drop is instantaneous. There's no going back. Please carry deodorant and use it, ladies.

True Story No. 4: I found myself hanging out with a model one night. Pretty girl. I manage to charm her with my witty banter and self-effacing humor and get her in the bedroom. Things are going swimmingly until she lifts up her arms for me to pull off her dress. I've never smelled that bad even after a three-day bender. Game. Over.

5. Some combination of the above.

Let's be honest, if you've gotten limp dick or found yourself with a limp dick, it's probably because you live a certain type of lifestyle. An awesome one. Like mine.

Sex, booze, drugs – these things typically go together. Personal hygiene kind of falls off the list of priorities in these situations.

Anyway, the point is, you're probably combining a number of factors and any one of your special fun cocktails can lead to disaster. But what the fuck? It keeps things interesting.

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