It's the quintessential deal-breaker. The way a guy kisses can alter the way a gal perceives and presumes the rest of his intimacy skills – regardless of how unfair, inaccurate or impractical it might be.
It's all about first impressions and a terrible kiss can curdle the milk faster than he can say, “Hey — where are you going??”
SIDENOTE: Because our vagina prevents us from speaking on behalf of menfolk, we'll be writing this as a heterosexual female offering men some tips.
Ladies, the story isn't unique, but it's certainly disappointing. You meet a guy, he isn't a serial killer and doesn't collect Beanie Babies. He volunteers at an animal shelter and has a steady job. Oh — and he looks like a cross between a taller Jason Schwartzman and younger David Bowie.
Then he asks you out. Like, OMG.
He takes you to that cute Italian place you refuse to eat at alone and then asks if you'd like to take a stroll and try to guess the constellations through the smog.
You start picking baby names.
After your third failed attempt to pick out the Big Dipper among the glittering planes and UFOs in the sky, he takes your chin in his hand, looks deep into your eyes, and proceeds to lick your mouth.
We're not sure where guys have picked up these “techniques.” Maybe they saw it in porn. Possibly it's just what feels good to them, and their first girlfriends never clued them in.
Regardless, there are far too many decent guys in this city whose lack of oral tact keeps them on ladies' “Do Not Call Back” list, and we at AfterDarkLA would like to help them out.
The Top 5 Kissing Mistakes Guys Make & Girls Hate:
1. The Tongue Dagger
Your tongue stays as stiff and rigid as the…banana she can see in your pocket. As she attempts to weave her tongue slowly and rhythmically like a normal human being, your mouth boner simply pokes at her tonsils and stiffly wiggles from side to side as if searching for lost keys.
The tongue is one huge muscle. Just like when you flex your biceps as you ask for directions to the weight room, your tongue can go from soft and flaccid to uber-hard with one move. But while you want your pythons to look huge and feel firm, you won't impress a soul by flexing your tongue into someone else's mouth.
Move your tongue around hers as though you're eating soft ice cream. Keeping the tongue soft makes it move smoother, letting it massage her mouth rather than rape it. The slow, languid actions are a major turn-on – especially when you follow her lead.
But by all means guys — if she starts darting her tongue in and out of your lips and you really want to get laid that night, start jabbing back. If she does it to you she likely enjoys it herself, and nothing will get her clothes off faster than the realization that you're paying attention to her desires.
2. The Lip Lapper
Before she even opens her mouth yours is gaping, tongue limply hanging out waiting to make contact. And just as those creepy dog owners do with their Pomeranians, you proceed to lap-lap-lap at her lips without yours making contact.
By the time the licking ends and the kissing begins, her entire mouth, chin and possibly even nose is glistening with man-mouth and now all she really wants from you is a napkin.
Licking is a sensual act and certainly welcome, but come on — don't coat her face with your saliva. Brushing her bottom lip with your tongue as you go in for the full monty is one thing, but try to color inside the lines.
The oral erogenous zone ends before the chin begins, and the majority of the female race would prefer to keep their nostrils dry.
3. The Oral Digger
You go DEEP. Like, with each shift of mouth position and tongue movement it feels as though your tongue is diving and digging for gold somewhere around her epiglottis.
Deep kissing is great, don't get us wrong. But switch it up. Every movement of the tongue shouldn't be with the same kind of thrust and full sweep of her oral cavity. Variety is the spice of life, burns the most calories in cardio workouts, and will keep her titillated and wanting more.
Plus, it's enough worry wondering if there's food in her teeth when she smiles. The last thing she needs is to fear your tongue might collect a bit or two during your oral excavation.
4. The Mouth Masher
It's fun to be a little rough when your mouths go at it, but keep in mind she's still a delicate flower and won't look as adorable with red swollen lips and a cold sore.
As you break away from each kiss it feels great to pull on her bottom lip with your teeth by lightly — we mean LIGHTLY — dragging it between your teeth. But just as you shouldn't dig-dig-dig with each kiss, biting her mouth over and over will simply make it sore, especially if you're going a little rougher than usual.
And for Pete's sake don't hold onto her for longer than necessary. If she's forced to pull her own lip out from between your chompers more than once, she'll not only end up raking her poor mouth with your own, but also feel frustrated that you haven't noticed that she's not enjoying the pain.
5. The Stationary Sucker
This one's pretty simple but can be a major mood killer. Rather than moving from position to position with your mouth, you simply kiss once, suck a little on her lips and then stay there.
And you don't move for 30 seconds or more.
She feels trapped, wondering if you've fallen asleep or encountered lock jaw.
Guys, you've gotta move. Don't clamp her mouth down and keep it there unless there's some kind of ulterior motive. A sexy one.
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.