February is the month we worship upon the altar of amour — and what better way to let Cupid's arrow fly than investing your hardly-earned dollar bills into the g-string of a bare-bottom UCLA co-ed? If you need some risque recommendations once you or your significant other is sleeping off that expensive champagne and carbohydrate coma, here are the Top Ten Songs that Namecheck L.A. Strip Clubs:
10. Strip Club: Sam's Hofbrau
Song: “Reggie Waiting At The Bus Stop” – Lush One, Phillipdrummond, Nocando
With envious lyrical adeptness, Nocando not only raps about both Phillipe's “French dips” and chipped “French tips” in the same breath, he manages to cunningly represent Downtown Los Angeles' most Germanic strip joint, Sam's Hofbrau, with the lyrics: “Ooh this hot broad/can drop jaws/Baby lookin' like she got off a table top job at Sam's Hofbrau (dollas!)/You know, that topless bar.”
In this single act of musical charity, NoCanDo educated a whole entire city of people that tits can in fact be seen at Sam's Hofbrau. You know, in case you were wondering.
9. Strip Club: The Jet Strip
Song: “Sexuality” – DJ Quik
If you enjoy standing mouth agape while listening to exceptionally kinky lyrics set to a spastic dance beat than DJ Quik is here to slap you across the cerebral cortex with his erotic hip-hop adventure. And where does this adventure take him? To his first stop before becoming a member of the “Mile High Club”–Inglewood's The Jet Strip: “Hey, You say you need a side job, make an extra knot (Money)/Clubbin at the Jet Strip horny niggas spot (Funny)”
Hey, a sexually-deprived stewardess cannot live on sly booty smacks alone.
8. Strip Club: The Body Shop
Song: “Dangerous MCees” – Method Man & Redman
Life is dangerous for Method Man and Redman. Yes, life is hard when you are a drug-pushing, stripper-loving hip-hop star who apparently even gets respect from Herbie Hancock.
After Method Man and Redman play video games with their favorite notable jazz veteran, they somehow manage to sell “Chris Rock” (who would buy him?) and check out some body drops at West Hollywood's The Body Shop: “got a ziplock of bubble gum/just for selling Chris Rock/Nobody move, nobody shot/Meth, I'm in the Body Shop/Where you rummy, rolling your body drops.”
7. Strip Club: Spearmint Rhino
Song: “Good Old Bill” – The Maccabbees
Strip clubs are not just for sexed-up, hip-hop dudes. Indie rockers, like The Maccabees, need to see alterna-boobies bounce at Spearmint Rhino. Even if that means grandmother subsequently dies for the sake of ironic lyrical pathos: “Spearmint Rhino was taking our money/When Gran was robbed of her own life, honey.”
6. Strip Club: Jumbo's Clown Room
Song: “Perfect Day” – OPM
No list about Los Angeles strip clubs would be complete without a sugary, summery reggae-tinged bro tune and a non-sensical allusion to the infamous Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood.
With a reputation as the old stripping grounds for rock star elite like Courtney Love, Jumbo's Clown Room is a quintessential rocker bikini bar on the street level of Hollywood Boulevard. With apparently nothing underneath it.
Which is why OPM's lyrics don't make sense: “Had a feelin' this was a day to stay in bed/I finally left my pad right under Jumbo's Clown Room.”
Unless the lucky fool lives in the basement and then it really is a perfect day.
5. Strip Club: Spearmint Rhino (again)
Song: “Pole In My Basement” – Bow Wow
Perhaps Bow Wow has the answer to our previous quandary. The fresh-faced hip-hop lady-killer throws props out to Spearmint Rhino, but who needs a strip club when you've got a pole in your basement and lots of “fifties” to throw at “shawties.”
4. Strip Club: The Body Shop (again)
Song: “Body Bounce” – Kardinal Offishall Feat. Akon
Kardinal Offishall and Akon may be the dominant, pop alpha males when it comes to making panty-droppers so potent that sorority girls are practically buying stock in Victoria's Secret.
Both are especially slick when it comes to wooing the lovely ladies of adult entertainment by making sure they throw plenty of twenties, while admiring the elasticity of a woman's stretch marks, even though she is “always at The Body Shop/Working on that beautiful figure.”
More musical props to West Hollywood's The Body Shop–sadly sending away confused soccer moms with dented fenders for decades.
3. “Fantasy Island” – Heiroglyphics
Ok, so this may be a bit of a stretch, but not as much of a stretch as the deftly spread legs of the wonderful dancers at West LA's nautical themed bikini bar, Fantasy Island. The Heiroglyphics repeat “this ain't Fantasy Island,” but we are certain they wish it was, especially on 2-for-1 lapdance night.
2. Strip Club: The Seventh Veil
Song: “Stripper Girl” – Steel Panther
If you have yet to “feel the steel” of local metal raunch-masters, Steel Panther, than you are missing out on a breed of glam cock rock that brings beats so nasty, guitar chords so raging, and pants so tight, that your sperm are dying as you read this.
Of course, any metal band will have two (or twenty) songs about their favorite midnight snack: gorgeous exotic dancers.
Luckily this song starts off at Hollywood's Seventh Veil, is called “Stripper Girl,” and boasts romantic lyrics like “I met you down at the Seventh Veil/the first night that I got out of jail/Your lips were red and your skin was pale/You were the one that I wanted to nail.”
And for the number one L.A. stripper song, by the men who love strippers the most…
1. Strip Club: The Seventh Veil (again)
Song: “Girls, Girls, Girls” – Motley Crue
Does there even have to be an explanation about why this song tops the list? Motley Crue's famously sexed-out song, “Girls, Girls, Girls,” is essential to the soundtrack of not only Los Angeles based exotic dancers, but scantily clad sirens all over the globe. When you think of strippers, you think of “raising hell in the Seventh Veil.”
“Girls, Girls, Girls” is like if The Beach Boys did a bunch of cocaine, banged some hot groupies, ruined the ozone layer styling their hair, and re-recorded “California Girls.”
What's your favorite L.A.-centric strip club tune? Let us know in the comments.