Today is National Kissing Day (because we needed a calendar excuse to do it) and Craigslist, Facebook and OKCupid is teeming with wannabe worthy face-suckers to help you celebrate this post-Independence holiday.
But before you do, keep in mind that not all of you are the oral Casanovas that years of drunken mouth excavations have led you to believe. And it's understandable — when you're wasted, or just waiting for the cab to arrive, odds are you aren't going to waste any time instructing your partner of how best you like to be licked…on your face.
But there are some serious kissing disasters going on every second of every day. And since some nympho decided to make today the official day to smooch your way to a better job, bf/gf, or discounted smog check, we thought it'd be helpful to alert you of potential tonsil hockey tragedies.
You know…so you don't do them. (You know who you are.)
1. The Tongue Dagger
Your tongue stays as stiff and rigid as the…banana she can see in your pocket. As she attempts to weave her tongue slowly and rhythmically like a normal human being, your mouth boner simply pokes at her tonsils and stiffly wiggles from side to side as if searching for lost keys.
The tongue is one huge muscle. Just like when you flex your biceps as you ask for directions to the weight room, your tongue can go from soft and flaccid to uber-hard with one move. But while you want your pythons to look huge and feel firm, you won't impress a soul by flexing your tongue into someone else's mouth.
Move your tongue around hers as though you're eating soft ice cream. Keeping the tongue soft makes it move smoother, letting it massage her mouth rather than rape it. The slow, languid actions are a major turn-on – especially when you follow her lead.
But by all means guys — if she starts darting her tongue in and out of your lips and you really want to get laid that night, start jabbing back. If she does it to you she likely enjoys it herself, and nothing will get her clothes off faster than the realization that you're paying attention to her desires.
2. The Lip Lapper
Before she even opens her mouth yours is gaping, tongue limply hanging out waiting to make contact. And just as those creepy dog owners do with their Pomeranians, you proceed to lap-lap-lap at her lips without yours making contact.
By the time the licking ends and the kissing begins, her entire mouth, chin and possibly even nose is glistening with man-mouth and now all she really wants from you is a napkin.
Licking is a sensual act and certainly welcome, but come on — don't coat her face with your saliva. Brushing her bottom lip with your tongue as you go in for the full monty is one thing, but try to color inside the lines.
The oral erogenous zone ends before the chin begins, and the majority of the female race would prefer to keep their nostrils dry.
3. The Oral Digger
You go DEEP. Like, with each shift of mouth position and tongue movement it feels as though your tongue is diving and digging for gold somewhere around her epiglottis.
Deep kissing is great, don't get us wrong. But switch it up. Every movement of the tongue shouldn't be with the same kind of thrust and full sweep of her oral cavity. Variety is the spice of life, burns the most calories in cardio workouts, and will keep her titillated and wanting more.
Plus, it's enough worry wondering if there's food in her teeth when she smiles. The last thing she needs is to fear your tongue might collect a bit or two during your oral excavation.
Read more HERE to find out the Top 2 Kissing Mistakes!
Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.