[Editor's note: Odd Future member Lionel Boyce writes a weekly column for West Coast Sound. His archives are available here.]
There's no way to sugarcoat this, so I'm just going to be blunt. I have been observing people over the years, and after very little research and lots of assumptions I have come up with three types of people you can't trust. I am merely informing you so you can defend yourself against evil.
Notice that you never see these types of people together, because they already know not to trust one another. You don't have to thank me for the heads-up — just thank me for not being one of the Wayans brothers.
Guys With Perfect Goatees: Anytime you see guys with perfect goatees — meaning the mustache is connected to chin hair, and it's not forming a beard — you immediately know they're up to no good. They always have a hidden agenda and end up double-crossing someone. Every movie or television show (or even sport) has guys with perfect goatees who are either the bad guys, the person a wife is cheating on her husband with, or just plain suspect. Ali G, Chris Bosh, Shawn Wayans and Boris Kodjoe — the light-skinned black guy in Tyler Perry movies — are examples of why you should stay away from the goatee. You could say I'm wrong, but that would be a bold-faced lie.
Girls Who Wear Pants With No Back Pockets: Actually it's anyone without back pockets. What kind of person decides to pay for a pair of pants that aren't even equipped with pockets? Where do you hold your belongings? The good thing is that I guess these pants went out of style or some shit, but if you see a girl who even owns a pair of these, I suggest you stay away from that chicken head.
This last one is simple, but you must really be on your shit to catch it. Anyone Under 25 Who Is Bald. With the exceptions of an illness or a cooking-grease accident, there is no reason to be bald. Your hair is not falling out at this point, so that is not an excuse. The younger you are with a bald head, the worse. Babies are even born with hair, so that should tell you something. I've always assumed bald people under 25 aren't even human. Just look at that one chick in Coneheads. She couldn't be trusted with them sharp-ass dolphin teeth. She was an alien.
Chances are you'll forget about this, like, seven minutes and 43 seconds after reading it. Oh well, shit happens. -L-Boy