Have you heard of country music? Apparently it discusses the lives and times, hopes and aspirations, heartbreaks and tragedies of people who live in the “country.” Truth be told, most country fans actually live in “exurbs,” but really country is a state of mind. And a profitable one at that! So much so that those paragons of trendiness at Rolling Stone are even opening a Nashville office.

Nashville, the epicenter of country, is often accused of employing a cookie-cutter formula with the songs it churns out. Well, I personally love cookies, and in fact aim to pick up some part-time work at one of those big ol' hit factories down there. So, ahead of them there Country Music Awards in a few months, here are my ideas for country songs. They're just titles, and some are a bit rough, but they all speak to deep, human truths, or at least would still be understandable if sung over the roar of an ATV engine.

“She Don't Know She's Beautiful (Because She's Blind)”

Nope, it's not because she's modest, or because the guys prefer the cheerleaders, or because she wears sneakers or whatever, it's because she has not been blessed with the gift of vision.

“Here's How to Operate a Boat”

In the spirit of reality television, this little ditty would offer listeners some real information they can use in their daily lives. This would be especially helpful for all of those tofu-sippin', latte-munchin' coasters who've probably never even been on a lake. Can you say crossover?

“Down at the Barn All the Girls Wear Cut-Offs”

Now, truth be told, whenever I've been to a barn — or mudslidin' down at the river, or pig-roastin' — the girls in attendance always seem to be dressed comfortably, and are often enjoying grande Taco Bell products in a rather repulsive fashion. But in almost all country videos the ladies have purrty little thighs and luscious, split-endless hair, and wear Daisy Dukes. This video directs itself!

“What Your Drinking Receptacle Says About the Size of Your Balls”

Look at you with your oversized red wine glass. Sure, it may be ideal for “letting the grapes breathe” and may ultimately “enhance the oenophile experience,” but it also means that you have little itty bitty tiny testicles.

“Jesus Picked Me Up (When the State Rejected My Disability Claim)”

Turns out shooting myself in the foot with a crossbow wasn't the smartest idea, but Jesus knows my heart was in the right place. He even once told me personally that he wants me to avoid Obamacare, though I was high on Oxycontin at the time.

“Let's Noodle (and I'm Not Talking About Catching Catfish With Your Bare Hands)”

Can't decide between this and “Let's Practice American Sexceptionalism.”

“Let's Get Drunk (and Talk About How We're Going to Pay the Mortgage This Month)”

Well, technically we'll be talking about how we're going to pay last month's mortgage. In any case, Lord knows I do my best math after a couple of Jim Beams with Shasta.

“My Producers Stole These Power Chords from Def Leppard (But Buried Some Fiddle in the Track)”

Hmmmm. This may be giving away some trade secrets.

Thanks to Alan Scherstuhl for his assistance with these ditties

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