In the tarnished annals of rubbish musician names, rappers have distinguished themselves. Sure, by weight of their personas some hip-hop personalities have made suspect monikers like Ludacris sound unabashedly cool. But others' mediocre monikers make them destined for punchline status.
Let's be clear: Wu-Tang Clan affiliate Shorty Shitstain rules over all when it comes to crap names. But here are other contenders who deserve some shine. To be honest, many of these names make bands like Com Truise sound like they really thought things through.
Rapper name: 69 Boyz
Twitter followers: 1,367
Why this name sucks: Sure, it's understandable the purveyors of smutty Miami bass music would have a smutty name. And, further, the individual members' names include Thrill Da Playa, Quick Skeet and Busta Nut. But 69 Boyz? Referencing the most comical of sex acts is one thing, but this phrasing makes it sound like they're 69ing with each other.
Rapper name:Hot Rod
Location: Beverly Hills
Twitter followers: 23,333
Why this name sucks: Born Rodney Toole — why didn't he just stick with that? — the rapper formerly known as Young Hot Rod was added to 50 Cent's G-Unit roster in 2006. Funkmaster Flex played his song “Be Easy” often, but then came prolonged radio silence — during which Hot Rod anointed himself the Black Bieber and J. G. Wentworth. We're still not sure if he considers himself attractive, has some sort of car racing fetish, or his name is a reference to his johnson. One thing we do know: His greatness does not come close to even the maligned Andy Samberg cinema vehicle of the same name.
Rapper name: Pudgee Tha Fat Bastard
Location: New York City
Twitter followers: Pudgee is still on SkyPager
Why this name sucks: Pudgee Tha Fat Bastard is classically bad; it's a name that manages to be descriptive, self-deprecating, and redundant. Still, Pudge got the last laugh by having recorded with fellow hip-hop hefty Biggie Smalls (“Think Big”) — a boast few sensibly-named rappers can claim.
Rapper name: Royce Da 5' 9″
Twitter followers: 164,470
Why this name sucks: Royce Da 5' 9″ might never be as famous as his homie Eminem, but he rests soundly at night knowing that his rap moniker is factually accurate. But considering 5'9″ is an average, not particularly noteworthy or interesting height, one is tempted to wonder if the same descriptions apply to his craft. Survey says: yes.
Rapper name: Trademark Da Skydiver
Location: New Orleans
Twitter followers: 29,768
Why this name sucks: Affiliated with Curren$y — someone with a not too bad moniker — Trademark Da Skydiver is a relative newcomer with an eternally problematic handle. Was he writing a reminder note to himself to trademark the name “Da Skydiver,” but then got confused? Is he a distant cousin of D.I.T.C. rapper Page The Hand Grenade? Most beguiling: why reference skydiving? A metaphor for his rap career, maybe? Chalk it up to a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside too much second-hand Curren$y weed smoke.