AMERICA'S WORST VERSES
The Most Unintentionally Hilarious Lyrics of 2009
By Ben Westhoff
The lowest common denominator having been achieved in 2005 with the release of the Black Eyed Peas' Monkey Business, popular musicians have had to work extra hard in recent years to find new and inventive ways to be inane. They found great success in 2009, with artists as varied as Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen and Royce da 5'9″ making the nation collectively dumber. Here are the top ten most unintentionally hilarious song lyrics of the year.
We can float on top my waterbed /You close your eyes as I improv between your legs
Jeremih, “Birthday Sex”
What is this, Second City? The Groundlings? Where, exactly, can one take a class in this particular brand of improv?
Shush girl/Shut your lips/Do the Helen Keller And talk with your hips
3OH!3, “Don't Trust Me”
Halfway through the writing of “Don't Trust Me,” the members of 3OH!3 apparently called a meeting. “Sure, we're already referring to the song's female protagonist as a 'ho,' which is pretty offensive, considering we're white guys,” imparted singer Sean Foreman. “But is there a way we could step it up a little? Like, maybe reference the most beloved disabled figure of all time in a derogatory manner?” “It's not going to be easy,” said partner Nathaniel Motte. “But I've got an idea.”
Let's have some fun/This beat is sick/I want to take a ride on your disco stick
Lady Gaga, “LoveGame”
The literal roots of “disco stick” remain something of a mystery. Is it something like a glow stick? A pogo stick? As far as sexual metaphors aimed at appealing to very young children, however, it somehow bests Lil Wayne's “Lollipop,” 50 Cent's “Amusement Park” and Lil Kim's “Magic Stick.” Bravo, Gaga!
Now watch me make a movie like Albert Hitchcock
Pitbull, “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)”
Though imdb has plenty of information on another, similarly named director, it doesn't have much on this Albert Hitchcock guy, so one wonders what kind of films he makes. Perhaps ones involving randy Miami rappers doing a whole lot of poorly researched name-dropping?
It's so crazy/She's like Baby/ I'm like Swayze
New Kids on the Block, “Dirty Dancing”
One would think that the last thing the somewhat-revitalized New Kids on the Block would want to do is remind people that it's not 1987 anymore. Perhaps, however, we shouldn't think of “Dirty Dancing” as an early-2009, anachronistic attempt by a bunch of forty-year-olds to stay relevant to teens. We should just think of it as a prophetic tribute to Patrick Swayze, sadly a ghost before his time.
I learned from life's lessons /If you keep on pressin'/ You'll eventually end up on top /Like salad dressing
Paul Wall, “Got to Get It”
Salad dressing starts off on top, yes, but then usually pools at the bottom in a creamy white puddle of derivative lyrics and preposterous similes. Wait, what are we talking about?
I'm beasting, off the Riesling/And my nigga just made it out the precinct
Kanye West, “Run This Town”
Kanye pulls out all the tough-guy stops in an attempt to impress his mentor Jay-Z on “Run This Town,” even donning a bandanna over his mouth for the video's battle royal. He's aggressive, he's angry, he's beasting off the Riesling? What, there was no Zima?
Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex/ Seein' right through you like you're bathin' in Windex
Mariah Carey, “Obsessed”
Take that, Eminem! Talk trash about Mariah and her husband Nick Cannon, and she's just going to zing you right back! You know, by talking about how transparent you are, how it's almost like you're sitting in a tub full of window-washer fluid. Invisible, practically. You'd just better hope she doesn't accuse you of being up in her George Foreman, because then you'll be in trouble.
When I was born my momma pussy had the new car smell
Royce da 5'9,” “New Money”
This tidbit of information must have been relayed to Royce by whom, the attending physician? Momma should probably have that checked out.
I'm in love with the queen of the supermarket/As the evening sky turns blue/A dream awaits in aisle number two
Bruce Springsteen, “Queen of the Supermarket”
It was shaping up as a good year for Bruce Springsteen when the most cringe-worthy thing he'd done was stick his crotch in the camera at the Super Bowl halftime show. But then came “Queen of the Supermarket,” which tells the story of a horny shopper having the most pathetic mid-life crisis imaginable. To fully appreciate it, watch this video of folks shopping for produce as you contemplate transcendent poetry like “Though her company cap covers her hair/Nothing can hide the beauty waiting there.”