Shit got real last night. We don't know how else to put it. Usually we watch reality TV for the drama, for the laughs, for the ability to feel a little better about ourselves, since we're certainly more level-headed and down-to-earth than the quacks that sign onto these shows. But last night's Real Housewives finale was less about the petty catfights and salacious gossip we typically enjoy. This episode dealt with some real life tragedies. Divorce, infidelity, abandonment, addiction – all made appearances at the party.
We'll start with Camille, who was still reeling from the Tonys. (Reminder – Kelsey lured her there under the guise of “we'll make it a romantic weekend and see what happens,” only to lock her out of the apartment.) Despite the barricade, Camile must have tried to make it inside because doing so clued her into Kelsey's affair. In an interview, Camille described the humiliation of being told by building security that she could not possibly be Mrs. Grammer. Camille knew immediately there must be another person. And she was pretty sure this person was female, despite Kelsey's love of cross-dressing. “I believe in my heart it's a woman,” she told BFF Didi. Eeee…
Meanwhile, back in L.A., Lisa and Ken put their foot down with Cedric, telling him he must finally move out. This subplot added a bit of comic relief to the show in that Ken outed Cedric's age: 37. 37?! We thought he was like 25. What's he doing still lingering at the Vanderpump house? Well, in truth, there are some deeper psychological reasons for that we haven't really brought up as of yet, but since this was the “serious” episode… Cedric was actually born of a rape to a prostitute in France, lived on the streets, then was abandoned by his mother at age 7. He floated around orphanages and was finally “adopted” (not legally) by Lisa and Ken in early adulthood. He's sponged ever since, and it's kind of understandable why. But yeah, at 37, it's time to spread your wings. “Italians keep their kids in the house until they're 50!” Cedric protested. “We're not Italian,” Lisa reminded. Boo-yah.
Later it was time to celebrate Taylor's birthday, and to our shock, (and hers) husband Russell threw her a party! He actually remembered he had a wife and that he's legally required to give a shit about her. The party was at some hotel rooftop and everyone attended, except grieving Camille of course (we forgive her) and Taylor's puppy Snowball, who will soon be going to “the farm.” Shhhhh…
Cue the confrontation. These women always choose public parties to have their “can I speak to you for a moment?” awkward talks. When will they learn this isn't a good idea? Anyway, Taylor chose her own birthday party to pull Kim aside and tell her she ought to stop stirring up trouble. So wait, time out. The party's going along swimmingly and Taylor stirs up Kim to tell her to stop stirring. Right. Immediately Kyle, Lisa and Adrienne saunter up, as clearly this should be a group activity. Kim felt ganged up on and went on the attack. “Watch your step,” she told sister Kyle. “These are your friends?” she asked her, sneering at the other three. Big mistake. The ladies all pretty much told Kim how much she sucked, forcing her to cry, and then storm out.
The Richards' talent manager would let her leave, though, so Kim moved the argument to a limo that drove her and whoever's turn it was to yell at her (they rotated) around Beverly Hills.
When Kyle got in the car, all hell broke loose. It became a tennis match of “You don't have my back!” and “No you don't have my back!” until finally, something snapped in Kyle and the truth spilled out. “You're an alcoholic!” Kim was stunned, we think, at the on-camera accusation. Kyle then cut her off from all the financial help husband Mauricio apparently bestows upon her each month, and left Kim to sob alone in the limo.
And really, that was pretty much it. The season ended. If that weren't enough of a downer, then came the epilogues. Over still images, we were updated via caption with the current state of affairs.
The Richards sisters:
“Kyle and Kim went weeks without talking…their kids are now trying to broker a truce between them.”
Oh damn. We figured they'd be fine by morning!
As Cedric was moving out, he and Lisa had an explosive argument. They haven't spoken since.
What could possibly upset her upon his departure?? He was doing what you asked! We'll need to get details at the reunion show.
Snowball is happy in his new home…but Taylor continues to struggle in her current one.
Adrienne and Paul are still the Bickersons…Adrienne insists she's not responsible for Paul's multiple broken noses.
Like we said last week – snore.
Kim's family checked her into rehab…A week later, she checked herself out. She is taking her life one day at a time.
Uh-oh. So that alcoholism thing was legit.
Camille is living in Malibu fighting for custody of her kids. Kelsey is in New York, engaged to a 29-year-old flight attendant.
Kelsey, you made us sympathize with Camille, and for that, you are a d-bag.
It's been a fabulous run in Beverly Hills. Looking forward to Season 2! See you there. Thanks for reading.
Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter @MySo_CalLife.