As everyone knows, Jews own and run Hollywood. Unlike a premortem Marlon Brando, who proclaimed this to Larry King a few years back, no one can kvetch at me for saying this because I AM A JEW, WHICH GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING I WANT ABOUT MY PEOPLE. What makes me a Jew? I have no idea, but the fact that Bob Dylan, Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, Abbie Hoffman and Kinky Friedman are also Jews makes me very proud (Binyamin Netanyahu, Bernie Madoff and Michael Eisner, less so). I once noted that if through a twistory of history I'd ended up in a cattle car to Auschwitz, I'd be the wisenheimer cracking wise. That's how we Jews deal with tragedy and disaster: We make fun. We've also transformed self-pity into a religion, but don't bother me now, I'm on deadline and you shouldn't know what a week I've had. While I still ain't buyin' the big-guy-in-the-sky-with-a-white-beard theology, I've been questioning my lot in life as a Jew (although not anything like the Old Testament's Lot, whose wife was turned into a pillar of salt and who was date-raped by his daughters in order to conceive — oh, just look it up). Anyway, having conquered Tinseltown, our next target is Westwood, where we will tell stories at the local Borders in order to seduce gullible goyim into spending their last few shekels (the ones Madoff didn't get) buying copies of Sex, Drugs & Gefilte Fish: The Heeb Storytelling Collection, filled with good ol' self-pity, perversion and fun (much like the Old Testament) from Heeb magazine. Heeb is irreverent, which means it amuses the sane and pisses off the squares. Yammering on with their tales of filth and self-absorption will be Laura Silverman, Todd Levin, Joel Stein and Rebecca Addelman, while Heeb publisher Josh Neuman will host. After Westwood becomes an armed Jewish settlement as part of our plan to control the planet, we move on to Chinatown. We Jews love our Chinese food, though I've never heard an explanation for that one.

Wed., Nov. 11, 7 p.m., 2009

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