It's got to be rough, naming a bandit.

In one short, catchy phrase, you've got to embody a criminal's entire countenance and M.O., so that he (or she — can't forget the Bonnies of the world) will be instantly recognizable to all who come in contact.

Of the dozens of serial bandits on the loose in Los Angeles, some are blessed with dashing titles: There was the Dapper Bandit, all old-Hollywood in his newsboy cap. And the Buckshot Bandits, named for their trusty shotguns. Even the Chimney Sweep Bandit came out pretty well for a dude with dirt on his face.

But for every lucky badass…

… there's some poor mastermind who gets his balls cut off by the clever FBI christener who just can't resist a shot at revenge. In honor of the “All Ears Bandit,” who's on the loose today in L.A., we give you the 10 most embarrassingly named serial bandits in L.A. history, pulled from the database:

10. Magoo Bandit

Called “Magoo” after America's ultimate nearsighted nerd, this late-80s criminal was worlds more nimble than his namesake: He robbed at least seven banks and made off with over $10,000.

9. Groomed Beard Bandit

What could worse for a hickish Valley rebel than being called out by FBI agents for paying special attention to his facial hairs in the morning before the good ol' loot and pillage? Come on, guys: Maybe it just grows that way.

8. Stick Figure Bandit

Tall, dark, handsome? Lanky, even? Nope. This hard-ass with a handgun is instead remembered for his resemblance to adorable kindergarten art. Tough luck.

7. Disney Bandit

That'll teach a serial sticker-upper not to wear a Mickey Mouse jacket, no matter how tiny the emblem. It's the kind of thing that sticks with a man.

6. Frat Dude Bandit

To be fair, not all dudes with douchey sunglasses and a 5 o'clock shadow can be categorized as frat alum. And this one certainly doesn't hit the on-campus weight room as often as your average Pi Kappa Alpha.

Actually, the name's more embarrassing for the FBI, who obviously doesn't know a “frat dude” when it sees one, and seems to have been shooting for a (failed) hip factor.

5. Bedtime Bandits

Pretty soft, for a team of gangsters who pulled off over 19 robberies in 2009, carrying the goods off in pillowcases. Halloween Bandits? KKK Bandits? Of course not. It's sleepy time for these big bad boogie men!

4. Sweaty Back Bandit

Thus proving that one never lives down the spinal sweat streak, no matter how hardcore the crime.

After a spree of Orange County bank robberies, including one in which red ink exploded all over him (Red Ink Bandit? Radical!), Sweaty Back is only remembered for that fateful hot day in Rancho Santa Margarita when a security camera got a good look at the back of his button-up. We're guessing that was the last thing on his mind.

At least they didn't call him B.O. Bandit?

3. Goldilocks Bandit

There's no real strong footage of Goldi, but witnesses say he wore a blonde wig to disguise his natural brown hair. Big mistake, legacy-wise. Then again, if he wore a black one, they probably would have called him Snow White. Sometimes a bandit just can't win.

2. Midlife Crisis Bandit

What does a 200-pound 50-year-old have to do to get a little respect around here? Apparently, not rob a bank wearing a fake moustache and face makeup. That does kind of trump a Ferrari or a hot blonde, doesn't it.

1 1/2. Geezer Bandit

We're sort of on the fence about this one, seeing as the Geezer Bandit is not actually a geezer but a tricky motherfucker in the best geezer costume ever, and is probably stoked off his moniker — but it is pretty much the most demeaning term for “old person” you could use. Fast fact: The Geez has robbed as many banks as Bonnie and Clyde. What a (reprehensible) stud.

1. Bosom Buddies Bandits

We know absolutely nothing about these guys, except that the FBI thought them so inseparable as to call them “bosom buddies.” Ouch. That one had to cut deep. Teamwork just doesn't get the same respect it used to.

There's a way to stop a crime spree: Embarrass the hell out of the criminal, until he'd rather get a real job than hear the bank employees whispering his name. No homo, all right?!?


LA Weekly