The Guy Who Lives For Coachella

Just weeks after returning home from Coachella 2013, he'd already bought his tickets to Coachella 2014. He didn't know who was performing. He didn't care. He just knew that he would be there, with his tent and his Jeep, and that he would pass the rest of the year rock-climbing and taking trips to Yosemite and maybe ingesting some molly. You don't also have to go to Coachella to date him, but it does help if you actively cultivate a wardrobe full of headbands and high-waisted denim shorts.

The Guy You're Pretty Sure Is A Drug Dealer

Where does he get all his money? He hangs out at his house almost all day. He dodges the question when you ask him point blank what he does for a living. Once he mentioned something ambivalent being in business with his brother, but that's the closest you've gotten to a straight answer. And yet, he pays for your dinner, drives a Lexus and travels all over the country. It's clearly cocaine. Cocaine is buying all your meals.

The Lounge Music Aficionado

And you shall know him by his hair gel.

When you meet this man at the club, you immediately suspect that you have nothing in common with him. His suit is just too polished; his nails, too manicured. But he's slick, and he's charming, and so you're all “what the hell,” and then you go on one date with him and you remember that an appreciation of lounge music goes hand in hand with a general lack of interesting personality traits. And that makes you uncomfortable.

See also: The 10 Hottest Professors Teaching in L.A.

The Foodie

Make no mistake — the foodie is a great date. You'll go to restaurants owned by Eric Greenspan and Susan Feniger, and you'll listen to him opine deeply about the foie gras ban. But the novelty will quickly wear off when you have an inexcusable hankering one day to eat at Chili's, because jalapeno poppers are secretly your jam, and you are suddenly judged. Witheringly.

For the record, there is nothing wrong with a jalapeno popper.

The East Side Musician

This guy boasts a closet full of deep V-necks and black skinny jeans. His hair is likely emotional, he has a forearm tattoo and he drives a used Mercedes from the 1990s. He lives with at least three other guys in Echo Park/Eagle Rock/Highland Park. And sure, he's sexy in his own way, but his antics strike a depressing note because of his ongoing denial about how much work it takes to actually make it in the music business. You worry that he might ultimately fail, and it makes you sad.

The Actor

Ah, the actor. The most storied specimen of the L.A. dating pool. He comes in all shapes and sizes: the 23-year-old who's fresh out of Emerson and living in a cookie-cutter apartment off Fountain. The graphic designer who drops the “what I really want to do is act” bombshell on you mid-dinner. The 40-year-old extra who is clinging for dear life to the dream. And the working actor, who is also dating five other women. Is it possible to date an actor and have it work? Surely. We just haven't figured out how yet.

See also: 5 Hipsters We Love to Hate: A Guide to L.A.'s Subspecies

The Native Angeleno

Here's the thing about the native Angeleno: There's nothing wrong with him. Dammit.

The Former Studio Executive

It's tough to tell with the former studio executive exactly what he's all about now. He loves to talk about his heyday, when he was making deals and slanging contracts. But he left that life behind, and now he's just kind of floating, and you get the sense that he's lying about actually having a job (not that that's the only thing that matters! But you don't really like being lied to), and so you kind of can't get on board for more than a date or two because, well, you're not really sure who you're talking to.

The One Who Hates L.A.

Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion. However. This guy opens your first date conversation with, “So, how do you like L.A.?” And before you can eek out so much as an, “I like it pretty well,” he's climbed aboard the hater train and is unleashing all manner of vitriol about traffic, the superficiality, the fact that his hometown is much more real, and how he will never settle down and raise a family here. Dude. Take it easy. Or maybe move?

See also: The 6 Types of Transplants Ruining L.A.

The Decent Hollywood Guy

This guy is the backdrop of every Hollywood bar and club. He wears pressed button-downs and jeans, drinks beer and seems relatively normal. In fact, he might be relatively normal. He has a job in the industry that doesn't require auditioning or nurturing a massive ego — say, a music supervisor or the like — hikes Runyon Canyon regularly, and has a good relationship with his family.

In other words, he is a unicorn.

Follow Jessica Ogilvie on Twitter @jessicapauline, and follow the L.A. Weekly @LAWeekly.

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