[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Taylor Swift's “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
History: Somebody said something to Swift so then this song happened. (Not much different than “Somebody said something to Shea, so then this article happened,” which is basically how my entire writing career has come to pass.)
Atmospherics: Thump, thump, thumps; “'cuz like”s; acoustic domination; cherry apple blossoms; “like, ever”s; “weeeEEEEEEE”s; unfathomably sneakily manipulatively catchiness.
Scientific Analysis: Taylor Swift has climbed to the heavens by writing/talking about her reflexive teenage hyperemotions; it's sort of become her thing. But for “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” she has more or less transformed, abandoning her Woe Is Me image and flexing her temerity. Basically, she's become a white Mary J. Blige. For teenagers. Which makes for an ultimately hollow howl. And ultimately hollow howls suck, bro.
You know who says “We are never ever getting back together”? The person who's about two hours away from getting back together. The phrase is this bizarro circular thing who's only function is to to inevitably be proven wrong. It's a declarative statement turned rip in the space-time continuum, a proclamation that cannot happen until it's already not happened (or something).
“We are never ever getting back together” is no less preposterous than saying, “Well, that's it, that was my very last Sonic Blast” or “That's totally the last time that I masturbate in a public bathroom.” It's only a matter of time before a big green shame monster points and laughs at you. And since science spits at the idea of monsters, everything related to them gets defaulted into invalidity. Malibooyah.
Note: A part of me is certainly rooting for young Swift. Last year, it was reported that Jake Gyllenhall, responsible for maybe the most dastardly and unnecessarily evil attack against mankind in history (Prince of Persia), broke up with her OVER THE PHONE.
I got broken up with over the phone once and it was not a pleasant experience. I mean, it's hard to try to make a girl feel bad about herself if she can't see your fake crying. It's almost impossible. I kept having to say stuff like, “…I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you because I'm crying so bad. Can you hear me crying? Because it's really bad.” The worst. As an amends, here's a Jake Gyllenhaal voodoo doll (or a Jake Gyllendoll, if you're feeling particularly clever).
(I) For real, seeing someone that was in Nerds in real life is overwhelming. There were 1,000 questions.
(II) Did we forgive Mary for that Burger King commercial yet?
(III) Kind of gross, but: I used the restroom at a Best Buy a couple of weeks ago and was fairly certain the guy in the stall next to me was masturbating. All I could do was think, “Man, these must be some fly ass shoes I'm wearing.”
(IV) Prince of Persia is like if a shark was gnawing on your genitals and your eyeballs.