Each week, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from L.A.'s thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets.
Author: Arnold Silverman
Publisher: Award Books, New York
Discovered at: Harmony and/or Counterpoint Books, 5911 Franklin Ave.
The Cover Promises: “Astrology can help you become a more sensual man or woman!”
“It is recommended that both males and females of Cancer's influence have their partners gently rub their stomach with a soft cloth or furry glove as part of erotic foreplay.” (page 51).
The Counterpoint and Harmony bookshops sit on the liveliest block on Franklin Avenue, smack in the shadow of the grand palace of this city's most successful cult, that self-helpy and church-like institution that through celebrity testimonials and promises of an endlessly manipulable reality lures troubled souls into expensive seminars and classes. (The Scientology Celebrity Beardening Center is there, too.)
Your Crap Archivist ducked into Harmony a couple weeks back, partially to avoid the line of UCBers that choke the Franklin Ave. sidewalks, but mostly because of the promise of lunatic paperbacks and old circus programs.
I was not disappointed.
Just a quick glance at the back cover of Arnold Silverman's Astro-sexology shook this Virgo to the core:
I SHOULD EXPECT MY GREATEST GRATIFICATION FROM MY RIGHT HAND.
Silverman calls astro-sexology “the science that attempts to relate the principles of astrology to those of psychoanalysis,” which means he examines each star sign's anal, genital and latent periods. This is a breakthrough. At last we can see that our romantic relationships succeed of fail based not just on what month we were born, but also on how much we enjoyed potty training.
Anyway, here's a sign-by-sign breakdown of Silverman's best astro-sex talk. Find out at last why you should never, ever hook up with a Taurus.
March 21 – April 19:
Aries men have a need for instant gratification and this often tends to make them somewhat unconcerned with the quality of erotic fulfillment their partners receive from the physical relationship . . . Aries women share this tendency toward rapid erotic arousal, however it is not a problem for women born under the sign of the Ram as it enables them to closely approximate the sexual stimulation pattern of men which thus permits them to achieve simultaneous orgasm. For this reason, Aries women make excellent sex partners.
April 20 – May 20:
Of all the signs of the Zodiac, Taurus is the one most prone to high incidence of frigidity in women and impotence in men . . .Taureans of both sexes possess great physical endurance when making love and, with the right partners, are capable of being extremely passionate. The problem, however, is that Taurus people tend to be clumsy and unimaginative in their erotic techniques.
May 21 – June 20:
People born under the influence of Gemini frequently do not achieve total gratification from their erotic encounters because of their inability to involve themselves emotionally with their sex partners . . . Among couples where both the wife and husband were born under the afflicted influence of Gemini, wife-swapping and husband-swapping are not infrequent . . . To increase their stamina and to lengthen the period of orgasm, Geminians should engage in deep breathing prior to climax.
June 21 – July 22:
Although the breasts are erotically sensitive for women born under all signs of the Zodiac, Cancerian women experience more than the usual amount of sexual arousal when their partners stimulate their breasts during foreplay because their chests are both erogenous and astroerogenous zones. Similarly, Cancerian men have erotically sensitive chests and will experience heightened sensual enjoyment if their partners orally stimulate their nipples during foreplay . . . Cancer women should think twice about marrying Pisces men as they often tend to be flighty and unable to provide for their families.
July 23 – August 22:
Leoan males are generally considered passionate lovers, but sometimes they allow their physical passions to dominate their relations with women and show very little interest in the personalities and intellect of their partners . . . Not infrequently, women of Leo's influence set standards for manhood that are unrealistic and almost impossible for their sex partners to achieve . . . Leoan males generally agree that women born under the cardinal water sign, Cancer, make excellent wives and lovers because they are very responsive both in the physical and emotional sense, and because Cancerian women tend to idolize their men.
August 23 – September 22:
Most Virgo children have the type of personality endowments that react to toilet training in such a way as to retard creativity. In its sexual aspects, this lack of creativity is manifested through the tendency to be unimaginative in their approach to lovemaking. As a result, most Virgoans are regarded as unexciting sex partners.
September 23 – October 22:
Librans, both male and female, are known for their strong sex drive and passionate nature, which makes them arousing and stimulating lovers . . . Many Libra people find that oral eroticism in adult sexuality enables them to recapture some of the erotic pleasure they experienced during their early childhood . . . On the whole, Librans of the positive types may be considered among the best sexually adjusted of all signs of the Zodiac.
October 23 – November 21:
During their infancy, Scorpio people asserted themselves and expressed their aggressiveness by biting. This ability to bite and cause pain gave them a small amount of dominance over those around them. Sexually, the need for dominance on the part of Scorpios is found in their tendency to choose sex partners who are docile and willing to submit themselves to the powerful and frequently selfish Scorpio passions and desires.
November 22 – December 21
Unfortunately, many men do not have the ability to provide female Sagittarians with this type of physical relationship and ejaculate long before Sagittarian women achieve orgasm. This problem may be overcome if Sagittarian women choose men whose birth signs have endowed them with great endurance . . . Making love to individuals born under the signs of Gemini, Virgo, and Pisces will not provide total sexual satisfaction.
December 22 – January 19
Capricorn people are sexually passive and generally submit themselves to sexual relations rather than participate in them. They also express little physical passion while having intercourse, which thus denies both themselves and their partners total erotic gratification. Because of their sensitivity in the knees, it would be a good idea for Capricorn people to employ them during intimate relations by pressing them firmly against the bodies of their sex partners just prior to orgasm.
January 20 – February 18:
People born under the sign of the Water Bearer are guilty of not paying close attention to details. This is especially dangerous for those Aquarians who are using birth control devices . . . There are certain Aquarians who are unable to distinguish between sexual practices that are imaginative and stimulating and those which are abnormal or possibly perverted . . . Indeed, for some, sadism may become necessary to enjoy sex, or it becomes a substitute for sexual relations. If any of these situations occur, it would be advisable for Aquarius people to seek professional help.
February 19 – March 20:
For some Pisces men, the inability to act out the role of the dominant male makes them feel sexually unsuited to manhood and they desire to participate in the dependent role of women. Thus, they seek strong, assertive he-man type homosexuals who treat them in the same way a man treats a girlfriend or wife.
In short: avoid the knees of Capricorns!
Another remarkable book still for sale at Harmony illustrates what all this looks like in practice:
I count a couple Leos, at least one Pisces, and something tells me the author is a Virgo.