After two weeks of Coachella came Stagecoach, held this past weekend at the Empire Polo Club in Indio. Attendees dressed in their finest Western-meets–Forever 21 attire — ass cheeks hanging out of Daisy Dukes, their legs coming to an abrupt end in cowboy boots.

Men sported a uniform of jeans, Stetsons and bare chests. 

There was the ferris wheel turning slowly against the evening sky, and American flags rustling gently in the breeze.

At one point a flannel-clad bro-dog with a green John Deere trucker hat emerged through the metal detectors, high-fiving a security guard once he made it inside. “Go hard or go home, motherfuckerrrrs!” he yelled.

The 2014 edition of Southern California's biggest country music festival has come and gone. Here are the highlights and lowlights.
The Good
1. At one point Joe Deuce, the neck-tattooed, mohawked percussionist for Austin-based bluegrass rock band the Whiskey Shivers, forced Ashton Kutcher into a hug. Kutcher was at Whiskey Shiver's incredible show, and afterward, Deuce tracked Kutcher down and embraced him against his will. It was the logical conclusion of the afternoon — Deuce says that throughout his performance, he was thrusting his pelvis in Kutcher's general direction without really realizing what he was doing. “My wiener was right in his face,” he says. “I had no idea it was Kutcher.” The good news: Deuce heard through the grapevine that Kutcher still thinks Deuce is “a really nice guy.”

2. “Hey! Want to do a dick beer?” a girl named Britney (above) asked us. Indeed, we did, and she let us shotgun a Coors Light through her penis-shaped beer funnel. 

The Bad
1. Country's bad boy, Eric Church, experienced some unfortunate technical difficulties on the first night of the festival, which rendered his performance inaudible. Having made a name for himself with songs like “The Outsiders” and “Springsteen,” Church may put on a great show, but we'll never know for sure. Rumor has it that Brantley Gilbert blew a speaker right before Church went on to perform.

See also: Eric Church Is Headlining Stagecoach, But He's Still a Country Music Outsider

2. Sorry for partying, but Jason Aldean falls into “the bad” this time. Aldean, who is arguably one of country's biggest stars right now, put on a performance that plodded along like a elephant on Ambien. He barely moved from in front of the microphone, never cracked a smile, and tried to disguise the fact that he clearly gave zero fucks by overemphasizing his Southern twang. We weren't fooled, Aldean. Go hard or go home!  

The Ugly

Credit: Jessica P. Ogilvie

Credit: Jessica P. Ogilvie

1. This is what happens when you pass the fuck out with a cowboy hat over your face. It's an epic pass-out, to be sure, made even more so by the fact that having a chilled beer poured directly onto his chest didn't elicit so much as a twitch. 

Credit: Jessica P. Ogilvie

Credit: Jessica P. Ogilvie

2. When we approached this guy to take a photo, he was a little too happy to oblige. This, despite the warnings of his concerned friends, who are probably the wise ones in that bunch.

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