As if we need another beer holiday St. Patrick's Day, the drunkest of such occasions, is upon us.
And, of course, your friendly, neighborhood police officer is fully ready to haul you into jail. On top of that, St. Patrick's Day this year falls on a Saturday (this Saturday), which should fuel the alcoholic fire with legions of amateurs.
Don't test the luck of the Irish:
There are going to be so many DUI checkpoints and drunk-driving “saturation patrols” out there that we would advise you to just take a cab. Seriously.
So here's your cheat sheet just in case your taxi driver is drunk, too:
–Tonight there will be a saturation patrol from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m. in the LAPD's Pacific Division area, which includes Venice, Mar Vista, Palms, Del Rey, Manchester and parts of West L.A. (PDF map).
-A DUI checkpoint Friday is going strong from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Figueroa between 8th and 9th streets downtown.
-A DUI checkpoint Saturday will be set up from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Venice Boulevard between Sepulveda Boulevard and Sawtelle Boulevard in Mar Vista.
-A DUI saturation patrol will hit the south and east sides of the city of Long Beach on Saturday from 8 p.m. to 4 a.m.
-A DUI saturation patrol will happen Sunday from noon to 8 p.m. in the LAPD's Harbor Division area, which includes Harbor Gateway, San Pedro, and Wilmington (PDF map).
But wait, there's more:
The L.A. County Sheriff's Department will be on full, drunktard alert this weekend too. This applies throughout L.A. According to a statement, the department …
… will be deploying additional officers on overtime this weekend, supporting routine traffic and patrol officers and focusing on drinking driver hotspots. Police, sheriff and CHP officers will have a “zero tolerance” response toward impaired drivers who fail to use a designated sober driver.
The sheriff's department suggests you try a “sober ride program” if you're too wasted to drive home.
We say cut out the temptation of driving altogether and just pay for a ride from the minute you leave your door. That way you can get super retarded and enjoy the holiday as it is meant to be enjoyed — in full stupor.