They just don't make flight attendants like they used to, complained an unidentified Texan pilot on a March 15 flight from Austin to San Diego, in a recording revealed by a local Houston station on Tuesday. The Southwest employee, who totally reinforces every bad stereotype we've ever formed about Texans or pilots, expressed dismay that — of the last 12 attendants assigned to his planes — 11 were gay men and the other was a total granny. How's a man supposed to get his sexual harassment on with that kind of talent on board!
Unfortunately, the guy's mic was broadcasting “over an air traffic control frequency that handles airliner flights over much of Texas”…
… so pretty much all pilots and air controllers in the area got wind of his, erm, frustration. Now, the flight-attendant union is threatening a lawsuit. Here's a complete transcript of the rant, with help from our sister paper in Houston, who perceptively notes that “the guy definitely needs to get laid”:
“Well, I had Tucson to Indy all four weeks and, uh, Chicago crews — 11 out of 12, there's 12 flight attendants, individual, never the same flight attendant twice. Eleven (expletive) over-the-top (expletive) homosexuals and a granny. Eleven. I mean, think of the odds of that.
I thought I was in Chicago, which was party-land. After that, it was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes. I don't give a (expletive) — I hate 100 percent of their (expletive).
So, six months, I went to the bar three times. In six months, three times. Once with the granny and the fags, and I wish I hadn't gone. At the very end with two girls, one of them was probably doable, but we ended going to the bar and into the crew room in St. Louis, and all these two women wanted to do, was one wanted to berate her sister and the other wanted to bitch about her husband. Literally, for three hours, me and the FO.
When that was done, 3:30 we got home, and I was like, why the (expletive) did I stay up. … I still wouldn't want anyone to know if I had banged them. So it was a complete disaster for six months.
Now I'm back in Houston, which is easily where the ugliest base is. I mean it's all these (expletive) old dudes and grannies, and there's like maybe a handful of cute chicks.”
(Far cry from U.S. Airways, where employees readily welcome midriff-bearing cross-dressers on board, much to the dismay of the business class.)
Here's the audio in full. Best part is when an air-traffic controller finally interjects, telling the pilot to please stop, as he'd rather not be subjected to the guy's “endeavors.”
Chuck Magill, Southwest Airlines Vice President of Flight Operations, says the pilot will not be fired, because “he understands that what he did cannot happen again.” Plus, the ranter has been subjected to sensitivity classes, so he's obviously a new man.
That might not stop the flight-attendants union from suing, though. Here's their statement:
We have instructed our attorneys today to investigate the possibility of filing an EEOC charge with the federal government. We hope not to have to go that route, and instead, we are counting on Southwest Airlines to remedy this injustice. Bigotry in the workplace is bad business and unacceptable behavior on the ground and at 30,000 feet.
Basically, they won't be happy until all discrimination has been eradicated from the workplace — like Southwest somehow has the power to turn pompous fighter-pilot wannabes to tolerant gents. Ah, well. Might as well sue the only airline with any money left for the lot of it.