To Pee or Not To Pee: “That’s what nearly 40 years in show biz will get you in this town,” cracked a wag waiting in the endless loo queue when GOLDIE HAWN, along with daughter KATE HUDSON, jumped the line during the opening-night intermission of The Producers.

Couldn’t He Come Up With a More Original Description? At MARILYN MANSON’s record-release party for The Golden Age of Grotesque, the Dope One threw water bottles and a couple of mikes into the crowd while talking a lot of shit about “cocksucker critics . . . who are bald and can’t get laid.”

The Ticket In: Writer HELEN KNODE’s book-release bash at the Pacific Dining Car for her first novel, The Ticket Out, was so hot — and not just because of the heat-packing homicide coppers milling among the people you’d never expect to see in the same room in the same room (e.g., PAT LOUD and BRUCE WILLIS, D.A. STEVE COOLEY and original Valley girl MOON ZAPPA, producer DICK WOLF and scenester
DONOVON LEITCH) — that a fellow leaving the PDC after dinner simply had to crash the swank soiree: Of course it helped that he was actor GARY OLDMAN.

How Many Drinks Did It Take To Come Up With That Line? “She is like a matador, and I am her bull!” shouted out a patron during a steamy striptease by KITTY DIGGINS at Tricks N’ Chicks, a classic burlesque bump ’n’ grind held at the Devil’s Punchbowl.

Try Telling That to Courtney Love: “Implants are defintely not punk rock,” noted a gal in a shredded tee at the opening of “The Art of Punk” at the KANTOR GALLERY.

Dark Skies Ahead: OZZY OSBOURNE making fun of his TV-celebrity status during a press demo set introducing his new bassist JASON NEWSTED: “I’ll be on the fucking Weather Channel next.”

Undress Code: You didn’t have to spend a lot of time contemplating what to wear to the post-show shindig for the International Gay Film Awards, which was held at West Hollywood’s only clothing-optional guesthouse, THE SAN VICENTE INN.

But Do They Come in Extra-Wide? Former porn king RON JEREMY showed why he’s a big boy in more ways than one these days at the premiere party for Down & Out With the Dolls at Cinespace when he chummed up to a waiter, asking for his own plate of hors d’oeuvres in exchange for a product from his latest business venture: Ron Jeremy Rolling Papers.

Once Again Highways Proves That No Matter Who You Are, There Is an Affinity Group You Can Join: Where else but the HIGHWAYS BLOWOUT PERFORMANCE EXTRAVAGANZA could you find Asian lesbians, postmodern dancers, male-to-female transsexuals, puppets, twisted nuns, faux flamenco, lonely children and lots of smokers.

Yet Another Reason To Always Wear Clean Underwear: At the book signing for JEFFREY EPSTEIN and EDDIE SHAPRIO’s Queens in the Kingdom: The Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Guide to the Disney Theme Parks, MOMMA, decked out in an Alice in Wonderland trademark blue dress and white apron and looking at least 10 feet tall, provided commentary on some of the lesser-known aspects of Disney rides: Lap bars keep skirts from flying up in the air, but straddle bars, such as those on the Matterhorn’s bobsleds, make it the Perviest Place on Earth for the up-skirt video set.

Epiphanies You’re Better Off Not Having: Tammy Faye Bakker’s former talk-show co-host JIM JAY BULLOCK, calling bingo at Scutterzine’s Punko fund-raiser, joked: “Oh my god, I used to have a network television show — and it’s come to this.”

There Was a Lot of There There: “I’m very inappropriate, which makes me a problem dinner guest,” opined MARGARET CHO during her show Cho Revolution, noting that folks often laugh uncomfortably and tell her not to go there. “I live there. I don’t want to be the better person. I do want to sink to their level.”

Question We Hope Never To Hear in 2004: “Is that PARIS HILTON?” was the line heard all night at the Armani Exchange/Stuff Beachdance party. Of course, that was before her sexcapades tape hit the Internet, so perhaps she’s a little easier to recognize these days.

—Lina Lecaro, Madelynn Amalfitano, Mary Beth Crain, Christopher Lisotta, Greg Burk, Sandra Ross, Jen Hitchcock, Pleasant Gehman, Marcus-Kuiland Nazario

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