I spent Memorial Day the same as most parents spent it: At the house of a family member eating barbecued foodstuffs and hoping that someone was watching my children as they doddled around a swimming pool. (They can't swim, obvs.)

It was mostly a good time, but it was definitely an edifying time. There were six children there (Serrano boys accounted for half), and each of them seemed, at one point or another, especially excited about teaching me something. The two best, but most nonsensical:

1. The Squeener: This came via Boy B, who informed me that a “squeener” is when someone takes a fake wiener and squeezes it real tight and water comes out. I have no idea what a fake wiener is, but the boys are in a wonderfully entertaining wiener phase right now. The other night Boy A responded to a request to brush his teeth with, “But did you know that penises are hard to draw?” Last night at dinner, they both were doing that Here Is The Church, Here Is The Steeple thing with their hands, except they were calling it a diaper, and the diaper opened up to reveal a bunch of wieners. I don't even know what to do with any of that, man.

2. “Hey, come here. Come here! HEY! COME HERE!”: From a nearly-two-year-old niece, who I think exists only to try and eat stuff she finds on the floor. THAT'S THE ONLY THING SHE EVER SAYS TO ME. She says that shit to me when I'm already standing right the fuck there. She's like “COME HERE!” and I'm like “Chill, bro, I'm right here” and she's like “COME HERE!” and I'm like “Okay, I'm here, what's the word, bird” and she's like “COOOOOOME HEERRRRRE” and I'm like “Jesus Christ, do you even know what that means?” She's adorable. I love her dearly. I wish I had a daughter. I'm saying, it's fucking better than a squeener.

And the other thing, which isn't as immediately entertaining but is definitely more useful:

3. Selena Gomez Is A Megastar And I Didn't Even Really Know: The oldest kid there, a devastatingly darling little girl, spent I think about forty hours talking to me about Selena Gomez, who, it would appear, is more important than oxygen to preteens (and I think teens too, though I'm not certain). She said a billion songs, but she only insisted I see one video: “Come & Get It,” a superhit that, as it is, is currently number seven on Billboard's Top 100 chart. (Save for Bruno Mars' “When I Was Your Man,” it's a wasteland up there).

I called up the video on a laptop in the computer. The timeline:

0:08: Eight seconds in and we have an eagle. Beautiful. Eagles are amazing. If I get to be reborn as an animal, that's the one I'm gonna ask for. I'll probably end up as some sort of ferret or sloth or some shit like that though. Gross. Have you ever even seen a sloth? Goddamnit. That one might be reincarnated as a sloth is definitely a major drawback of Hinduism.

0:21: Lightning, thunder, rain, kisses, surprisingly intimidating fields of flowers. This shit is WAY too intense right now. Did Michael Bay direct it? Dollars to sense there's going to be a shot where a tattered flag is blowing in the wind. Probably some gigantor robots somewhere in there too. Dudebros, SELENA GOMEZ IS MY FAVORITE.


0:25: RIP Patrick Swayze, definitely one of the bonerest dudes of the '80s.

0:32: Mooooooooore eaaaaagggle. You know what nobody's ever said? “Man, there's just too much eagle in this.” EAGLES ARE THE TITS, bro.

0:39: Oh Christ. I forgot music was coming. Starting now.

0:51: This was produced by Stargate, a production/song writing duo from Norway. They do that globally consumable megasound you hear from Beyonce and Rihanna and so on, and they maybe do it better (or at least more interestingly) than just about everyone. If there's a massive hook from Gomez that goes with this, it's a wrap.

0:55: Hook. Mostly blah. Like, it's broad enough that people are going to think it's smart, but mostly it's cardboard.

1:44: Holdonasec. Come and get it? Like, get IT, as in her vagina? Is that what's happening right now? Isn't she, like, 14 or something?

1:46: Ah. Never mind. Wiki says she's 20. But still.

2:06: Lots of laying on rocks and shit. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EAGLE? He should definitely be featured more prominently. If you've got an eagle on set, you use that shit, yo. Every shot the director should be like, “Okay, Selena, great job! You're an international superstar! There's nobody like you on the planet! …Now, if you could just scooch over a bit so we can see more eagle.” GODDAMNIT I SHOULD DIRECT VIDEOS I'D HAVE ALLLLLL THE AWARDS.

2:37: “You got the kind of love that I want, let me get that.” -Selena Gomez, but also probably all the sleazeball guys that I went to college with. (SIGMA CHI FOR LIFE, BITCHES! Amirite? Whatever. Toads.)

3:02: Brief Interruption: Boy A just came wandering over. Conversation: “Daddy, do you know how many days are in a week?” Seven, son. “Nope.” No? Oh. How many? “I think it's five million.” Five million? “Yes, sir.” Five million days in one week? “Yes, sir.” …Dude. // God I hope he's really good at basketball.

3:16: Mind changed. This hook is perfect. It's unbelievable. There's a tempered brilliance here. I don't know. What's happening here? WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? WHERE THE FUCK IS THE EAGLE? I NEED THE EAGLE TO RESCUE ME.

3:27: Oh shit. Selena Gomez is poplocking, I think.

3:40: She's actually singing now. Kinda tough.


4:30: Song's over. Video shows there's 20 seconds left. pleasePleasePLEASE let the eagle make a grand reentrance. All the fingers crossed.

4:34: Spinning in a field. No eagle.

4:40: Wind chimes. More spinning in a field. Still no eagle. Only ten seconds left. Standby.

4:42: …WAIT. WHAT??? It just cut to black. No. NO. NOOOOOO. This can't be the end. Where's the eagle? WHERE'S THE EAGLE???? JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS THE EAGLE??? I WASN'T READY FOR THIS KIND OF LOSS.

4:45: darkness…

4:46: … no…

4:47: … please no…

4:48: … I can't…

4:49: … aannnnnnnd…

4:50: fin.

Blackness forever. Fuck.


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