Holy Jeebus, Paul Nassif, are you dying? You have to be dying. Has anything more horrifying than your post-colonoscopy fart festival ever happened on reality TV? Why in the name of Andy Cohen would you allow cameras to follow you into an up-the-butt medical procedure?
Not that we weren't laughing — we were laughing our asses off. (Pardon the pun.)
Poor Paul: heavily sedated, unable to run from the glaring lights and boom mic, ridiculed by his giggling wife Adrienne, left to stew in the humility of rapid-fire gas-passing and childlike “Oh no!”s. It should be illegal to film anyone who's not conscious enough to control themselves. Then again, we would have missed out on a whole slew of drug and alcohol-induced craziness this season if that were the case. Sorry Paul, you had to take one for the team, we suppose.
Paul's fart frenzy was only a blip on the radar of last night's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, which focused almost solely on Pandora Vanderpump's wedding.
We've poo-pooed this thing. (Again, sorry Paul.) Truckloads of pink roses and diamond tiaras don't usually tickle our cynical side. But despite ourselves, we must admit, a single tear was shed as we watched little Pandy come down the aisle. Dammit! Can't believe we said that out loud. But Lisa and Ken's proud faces kind of got to us. Not to mention the way Pandora snugged her papa during the father-daughter dance. It was cute. We ate it up. But like emotional bulimia, we now feel like spewing the whole thing.
We barely saw the Housewives at all last night, save for quick glimpses of them getting ready for the Vanderpump's black-tie affair. No sister spats, no tearful Taylor, no Brandi nips. Pandora's wedding, it seems, was the prettiest bow Bravo could find to tie up the turmoil-filled spectacle that was this season.
Bravo was dealt a weird hand this year. Their Real Housewives franchise is supposed to be fun. Peppered with the occasional fight or foreclosure, maybe, but they tend to keep it light.
Still, when a cast member, or at least the husband of one, commits suicide on the heels of abuse allegations and financial distress, what's a network to do? Tread lightly, apparently. Keep controversial footage off the air until at least mid-season, and when you can't resist the ratings spike any longer, lay your best craziness cards on the table.
There were moments in this season that were hard to watch. Even we felt twinges of guilt when a blubbering Taylor packed herself in a suitcase. (Or, speaking of packing, when a pre-rehab Kim slurred up her excuse for missing yet another plane.)
But looking back on it as a whole, little of what was showed turned out to be gratuitous. It was all part of a difficult process which, happily, ended in a better place. As we saw last night, Taylor repaired her tumultuous friendships and is moving forward, Kim is getting help, and the Housewives, despite divisive circumstance, have come together in support of one another. It's not the conclusion we saw coming, but it's one we're relieved to find.
At least until next week's reunion, in which all previously settled issues will be rehashed and reignited. But you can't really blame Bravo there, now can you? They need fodder for season three.
Thanks for reading!