See also: *Our Real Housewives archives
1. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: Not ranked)
We tried to fight the fits of jealousy but after last night's RHOBH it became totally undeniable that we want to skin Lisa, put her on like a costume, sneak into Villa Rosa and see how long we can get away with squatting in her digs before Giggy notices we're not making out with him anymore and outs us as an impostor. Those views. Are you kidding? They're made only more lovely by the gentle touch of a sexy masseur who makes house calls. This is about the best life one could ask for, with a close second being…
2. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 1)
…that of Brandi, who endlessly tags along with Lisa and gets the views and rub down for free.
3. Kim Richards (Last week: 4)
Kim showed up to a party on time, was dressed appropriately, kept her bra on, wasn't slurring, made a joke, got a joke — it was a decent week!
4. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 5)
You know we hate when stick-in-the-mud Yolanda climbs the charts, but we can't help but give it up whenever a Housewife shirks high school politics in favor of actual adult conversation, such as when Yolanda ever so lovingly/creepily took Marisa Zanuck by the face and suggested she stop smack-talking Brandi, who wasn't there to defend herself.
Of course, Yolanda abruptly took it back to 10th grade when she instigated a public confrontation between Marisa and Brandi a few days later, but she had a moment.
5. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 8)
Maybe it was the Richards sisters' intervention, maybe it was the wake-up call from Dana Wilkey, but whatever it was, Taylor has really mellowed in these last few episodes. We kind of miss the cartwheels, though.
6. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 6)
Ooph, Adrienne. You're set to make possibly the most lily-livered exit in Real Housewives history. Sure, your divorce probably played into the decision to not return to the show, as well as skip out on the reunion, but considering you never really liked Paul anyway, we suspect it has more to do with your unwillingness to address those pesky surrogacy rumors. But here's the kicker — you never really had to. You could have played the victim — the oldest trick in the Housewives book! A simple pained expression in the wake of Brandi's bombshell would have been far more effective than a threatened lawsuit at getting people on your side. Can't go back now, though, and clearly, you know it.
7. Kyle Richards (Last week: 2)
Kyle, please stop bringing the morally corrupt Faye Resnick to parties. You know what's really not ladylike, Faye? Riding the coattails of every famous friend you have in a desperate attempt to keep your name in the mouths of the glitterati. Brandi should have whacked you with her borrowed Chanel.