1. Bernie (Last week: Not ranked)
It turns out Adrienne Maloof's private chef Bernie has been secretly manipulating the Housewives this whole time and is pretty much the source of all their feuds and legal troubles. Who knew!? This is like some Downton Abbey shit or something. It appears this is how everything has gone down:
Bernie may have sold a story about Adrienne to the tabloids and framed Lisa Vanderpump for having done so. Adrienne publicly accused Lisa, Lisa denied, and they're pretty much no longer friends.
Then Bernie sold stories about Brandi Glanville to RadarOnline, which Brandi had the emails to prove. She's long accused him and has tweeted all about it, but Adrienne stood by her chef/man and accused Brandi of defaming Bernie. Then Adrienne accused Brandi of being a bad mother and sleeping until 3 p.m. — a story that mysteriously appeared in RadarOnline soon after. Hmm…
You may be a wicked man, Bernie, but hats off to you. You run this town and these girls are your pawns.
2. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 4)
Is it just us or did Brandi manage to weasel out of her legal entanglement with Adrienne and Paul and expose Bernie all in one sitting last night? And perhaps get them to pay her attorney fees? All we know is she walked into the white party 10 grand in the hole and walked out with Paul as her bitch.
3. Kim Richard's nose (Last week: Not ranked)
It had its own debutante ball.
4. Kyle Richards (Last week: 2)
She caters her parties with Fatburger and we love her for that.
5. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 1)
Aside from a drunken jaunt to Beaver Creek and momentarily losing track of her own kid, Taylor had one fairly lucid moment last night. It was when she pointed out that Adrienne and Paul shunned her and her late husband Russell from the white party last year for having sent an email threatening to sue Camille Grammer, citing the now infamous adage “friends don't sue friends,” yet Adrienne and Paul have done the same thing to Brandi, but saw no such banishment. It's bullshit, thinks Taylor, but Adrienne and Paul see no similarity between the two instances. Does Taylor have a valid point? Totally. Does it affect anything? Absolutely not.
6. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: 3)
She didn't do much this week but her husband Ken went to bat for Brandi. He's carrying the team this week.
7. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 7)
She got played by her own chef and sat helpless while her husband slowly migrated over to #TeamBrandi, but at least she's not Yolanda Foster.
8. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 6)
No white dress, no points.