1. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 6)
But we don't get it. We just don't get it. Why are all the other Housewives flocking to the feet of this new girl when she seems about as fun to hang out with as a nun at midnight mass?
Yolanda threw a dinner party on last night's Real Housewives and invited all the gals, mixing it up with superstars of the smooth jazz station, i.e. Chris “the most famous trumpeter in the world” Botti and some former American Idol non-winner. (We guess it was time for the annual Idol reject appearance on RHOBH.)
As is tradition in the Foster household, all guests must report to husband David's Grammy-laden piano for a sing-a-long. Except you're not allowed to sing. Only professional musicians are allowed to sing, and everyone else must sit up straight and not make a peep. Taylor and Kyle's impromptu performance of “Amazing Grace” — forfuckingboden! “Really?” Yolanda condescended. “You're going to sing when the Nita Whitaker is in the room?”
“You don't speak, you don't sing,” David commanded.
Dude, fuuuuuck you.
So everyone zip it, but if the spirit moves you to conga, that's totally allowed!
2. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 1)
Taylor could have taken a nosedive for continuing to be stuck on this “Brandi's slept with every man in Beverly Hills” nonsense, but she scored major points for being the only Housewife brave enough (er, drunk enough?) to call David Foster out on his bullshit. “Fine, we don't want to sing. We don't want to participate!” Taylor bellowed. “But when do we start doing keg stands?!?” Or something like that.
3. Kyle Richards (Last week: 2)
Because in addition to just being Kyle, which so far keeps her near the top, it was also revealed that at age 16 she stole sister Kim's Ferrari. Awesome.
4. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: 5)
Lisa's bumped up a notch for giving us what may be the most reasonable sentence ever uttered in the midst of a Housewives feud. In regard to Adrienne's desire to “move on” after publicly accusing Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids, Lisa simply queried, “If she thinks I lack that much integrity … why would she want to be around me?” So much classier than oh, say, “At least I don't do crystal meth in the bathroom all night long, bitch.”
5. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 4)
Despite a slight dip, we give Adrienne props for at least showing interest in making amends with Lisa. Despite being a bit of a pariah (or perhaps because of it?), she's expressed interest in making peace, and somewhere behind the scenes of this episode, Adrienne asks Lisa out for drinks. Can she hold her own, though? The results of that power struggle will be determined next week.
6. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 8)
Up a couple spots for dodging the Chris Botti bullet — he was apparently to be her set-up that night. EEP.
7. Kim Richards (Last week: 7)
Oh, Kim. Ho hum, humdrum Kim. Were you even at that dinner party? We don't remember because you are so vanilla right now. We are totally pumped for your sobriety, sincerely, but you've gotta give us something. Anything! Or you're going to end up not ranked. You've been warned.