Taking a cue from Mark Lisanti over at Grantland, we're organizing our Real Housewives of Beverly Hills coverage into a weekly Pecking Order. Check us out every Tuesday to see if your favorite Housewife is in the lead.
1. Portia Umansky (Last week: 4)
Half these Housewives were scared to come to Portia's party for fear of run-ins with frenemies, but showed up anyway all for the love of this adorable four-year-old who throws better parties than Mohamed. Portia's party had a whole petting zoo. It had a bouncy castle. It had a funny hat photo booth. It had unicorns for Chrissakes! What did Mohamed's party have? A camel and a cracked-out mermaid? Portia, FTW.
2. Taylor Armstrong (Last week: 3)
Taylor exerted some serious clout this week by somehow managing to talk two Househusbands into walking a mile, literally, in high heels to raise money to fight domestic abuse. It was no mistake, we're guessing, that she asked the hubbies of Kyle Richards and Adrienne Maloof to participate in said fundraiser in front of their wives, on camera. Way to put them on spot, Tay.
But just because she's rising in the ranks doesn't mean she's using her powers for good. At Portia's party, Taylor took it upon herself to spread what can only be described as the most manufactured gossip we've ever seen about Brandi Glanville having said she slept with every man in Beverly Hills.
First of all, did Brandi even say that? We thought she'd actually quipped that Yolanda Foster had slept with everyone in town. But regardless, who the eff caaaaares? It was a one-off joke. It doesn't need to be repeated to every Housewife in earshot, and it definitely shouldn't be repeated in front of a knee-high party-goer. Did you see that kid bump into Taylor as she was yammering about how many guys Brandi banged? You stay classy, Beverly Hills.
3. Kyle Richards (Last week: 2)
In the past, Kyle's been in a power position due to her uncanny ability to get other people to gang up on her enemies. (“You're such a fucking liar, Camille!”) But this year, things seem to be turning a corner. Kyle's playing peacemaker — between Lisa and Adrienne, between Brandi and … everyone). Or at least she's trying. But either way, right now Kyle is Switzerland, and nobody messes with Switzerland.
4. Adrienne Maloof (Last week: 8)
For comin' in hot with the private jet, which allowed for everyone to raise money for Taylor's charity (the event was in Sacramento) and attend Portia's birthday bash all in the same day. As Dave Chappelle would say, she's riach, biatch!
5. Lisa Vanderpump (Last week: 5)
Lisa scored some points simply for looking like something that rolled out of Oz. Did you see her getup at Portia's party? Green dress with green Ray-Bans and all? And while she's barely on speaking terms with Adrienne, we give her props for at least taking the high road. No knockdown, drag out fights, not even any real shit talking. For now, anyway. We'll see how long that lasts.
6. Yolanda Foster (Last week: 7)
Major thumbs down on Yolanda for telling her daughter she needs to “get back on the diet.” OK, OK, her daughter's a model, but if she's been modeling since she was a toddler, as Yolanda claims, we're pretty sure she has enough body images issues without her mother's backhanded implication that she's too fat. Fuck that noise. Still, a lot of the ladies seem to like her. We just haven't figured out why yet.
7. Kim Richards (Last week: 6)
If things stay as they are, Kim's going to be hovering near the bottom for quite a while. She's dialed the crazy way down from last season, so kudos for that, but she's pretty much engaged in a cold war with Kyle, so she's got a brick wall persona going on right now. Which is boring. We're totally, totally glad she's clean, though, so we'll take what we can get.
8. Brandi Glanville (Last week: 1)
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Last week Brandi seemed to hold all the cards, but unfortunately she's not playing them properly. She showed some moxie by making a cameo at Portia's party, but promptly blew that to pieces when she left simply for fear of being “ignored.” What's with the wobbly knees, Brandi? Last year these ladies were scared to go up against you (remember “I will fucking. killyou!“) and now you're acting like a panicky puppy. This behavior ain't gonna be what knocks Taylor from her throne. Buck up, girl!
9. Camille Grammer (Last week: 9)
Because she's not Dana Wilkey.
10. Dana Wilkey (Last week: not ranked)
Sorry, Dana, but tryouts are over and you didn't make the team.