[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Pink's “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)”
History: “Blow Me” is the first single from Pink's latest album, The Truth About Love. Or, I guess it is. I'm not 100 percent sure. The songs have all been the same shit for, like, the last ten years. We get it, Pink. You're feisty. Chill, bro.
Atmospherics: Building tip-tip-taps; like if Pink's vocals are being pulled through a spaghetti strainer; swelling, synthesized waves.
Scientific Analysis: Folks: ladies, gentlemen, all that. What we have here today is something so startling, so Earth shattering that it very well may rock the foundational tenets of foundational tenets everywhere. This is like when William Buckland found the first dinosaur fossils, or when whomever guy it was that first found the Delete Browsing History button found the Delete Browsing History button. WE'RE TALKING THIS IS REAL, REAL, REALLY REAL SCIENCE, CHILLBROS.
I don't think that too many will argue that Albert Einstein possessed one of the greatest minds of all. And while most know certain trivial things about him — he enjoyed his bicycle, he took a picture once where he stuck his tongue out, he had the swaggiest hair of all the scientists — not much is known beyond that. At least, it wasn't until know.
I, like basically everyone else, used to think Pink was hot shit. She can sing (obvs), and she has short hair which means she's sassy which means she's independent which means she's smart which means if I don't at least pretend to like her then that indirectly makes me dumb and nothing is worse than being indirectly dumb. But then I read this book two week ago called Einstein, the first biography that was written after all of his academic papers were made available. AND HOLY CHRIST SWEAR TO GOD there's an entire chapter in there about how much he totes hated Pink on account of her academic flimsiness.
Like, there are all of these notes and whatnot all about it. To wit, this one:
That breaks down the structure of every single Pink song. I hadn't even realized they were the same song because I was too busy using my telepathic brain to try and make her fall off of those goddamn trapeze that she's always swinging around on at concerts. She's on some slight-of-hand misdirection tricks, really. And there was also this one:
That one specifically addresses this song.
And were that not enough, there's this, perhaps the most damning of all: We're all familiar with this famous picture:
But here's the full version. Notice the note in the right hand corner?
See? SEE? It's even signed “Al,” and HIS NAME IS ALBERT. This is legit, yo. I mean, c'mon. Game over. Albert Einstein rocks tits and Pink is the worst. Facts.
(I) FYI, Guys: Girls haven't fallen for the Delete Browsing History thing since, like, the second time someone tried it.
(II) Maybe the most interesting thing about Pink is whether or not she'll eventually topple down from the sky during one of her aerobatic concert routines.
(III) Do not research any of this. It's not that it's not true, it's just that you're probably not that good at researching, is all.