Tattoos are the new black. Hipsters, parents, professors – we're all getting inked in various places meant to remind us of memories past, adorn our bodies with permanent art, and probably to attract onlookers.
Ever thought to jazz up your Johnson with a little inkwork?
I've see my fair share of cartooned cocks (one in particular featuring flames snaking up the sides) and, frankly, I have yet to feel impressed. But dudes keep doing it, and one in particular got a bit more than he bargained for during the design process.
A permanent, 24/7 boner.
But before you give this guy a figurative high-five, remember the warning messages from penis pill commercials. Erections lasting longer than a few hours are BAD.
This is called priapism, an often painful condition in which the penis does not return to its flaccid state after four hours, no matter how much baseball or Bible study you do to make it go away. And if you leave it be, you're at risk for permanent damage.
There are two kinds of priapisms: Ischemic (low blood flow) and non-ischemic (high blood flow). The tattooed guy we're talking about ended up suffering from the latter. But more on that later.
Your dick gets hard when the brain triggers blood flow to the area via arteries that feed into the three spongy “tubes” (called corpora cavernosa) that essentially create the penis. These engorge with blood and grow hard, constricting the blood vessels and preventing blood from flowing in or out, offering a nice stiff surface ideal for sexy time.
But in this non-ischemic case, too much blood was flowing in and not enough flowing out, causing increased pressure and danger to the corpora cavernosa and the blood vessels throughout.
So how on earth did this happen to the doofus with the penis tat?
Urologists from Kermanshah University of Medical Sciences in Kermansha, Iran, studied the case and reported their findings in the most recent issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
The be-bonered, a 21-year-old Iranian man, was likely injured by the needles penetrating his penile skin (the needles used were apparently handheld, rather than machine-operated, to which most of us are accustomed). The deep-digging needle caused an arteriovenous fistula, an unnatural connection between an artery and a vein.
“For eight days after tattooing, the penis was painful, and thus there were no erections,” the authors wrote. “After that, the patient noticed longer-than-usual sleep-related erections. This progressed, within a week, to a constantly half-rigid penis, day and night.”
The man refused most treatments (smart?) and apparently still maintains his semi-erect and presumably uncomfortable penis.
The most important question, however, is whatever he got tattooed on his cock worth the hoopla, embarrassment, and possible permanent injury to his most precious body part?
Along his schlong is forever written “borow be salaamat” which means “Good luck with your journey” and the letter “M,” his girlfriend's initial.
Uh, yeah. Good luck with that journey.