Men are strange creatures. We create something long and hard — like, say, The King's Speech — and we want everyone to see it.

This applies to photos of one's penis, of course. And the joke is that women would much rather see a picture of your bank account. But seriously, men are so clueless on this that an otherwise successful U.S. representative with a beautiful, well-connected wife staked his career and marriage on it.

For men, it's primordial, like … [warning: possibly NSFW photo] …

… the big brother who farts and closes the car windows. It's shocking and offensive and an indication of unwanted dominance. It's a sensual assault, which is fine if you're a teen big brother, not so good if you're a congressman.

Angie Rowntree, owner of erotica site, tells Time magazine that ” … men haven't been able to figure out women for 2,000 years.”



Indeed. Let's go over this for guys who don't know (and that pretty much includes all of us):

-While chicks always like a good looking man who cleans up well and has his shit together (except for the weirdos who write to prisoners), they're not visual like guys. For them, the good stuff happens via feelings and emotion and, judging from Facebook photos, parties on the rooftop of the downtown L.A. Standard Hotel. Yeah?

-It's natural to think, wow, if a female gives me a risque photo, I should return the favor. Bad dog. Pretty much everything on a good looking woman is, well, good looking. And while there are rare (mostly gay) men who are Adonis-like and pleasing to the camera, that's the exception. We just didn't gel right, physically. That's okay. Even women like to see women. They're aesthetically pleasing, with the curves and stuff. Take the gift. Men get a lot of breaks in life. Just let the women have this one. Trust us.

Abe Vigoda.

Abe Vigoda.

Your penis is not pretty. We know, it's there, and your a proud papa, and you made it get big just like a 12-year-old with his first boner. But just because you like it doesn't mean other people do. Think of it as a secret fetish. And note it's true aesthetic properties — a droopy snout shrugging over a pair of deflated punching bags. Looks like Abe Vagoda with a hangover. Really? Look at a photo of another man's penis. See that? Not pleasing, right? You think that compares to Kim Kardashian's Ferrari-like ass?

LA Weekly