If you're looking to catch the latest cycle (not menstrual) of that famous tribute to the female genitalia, keep looking. “It's just not the crying vagina show,” explains Alice Johnson, describing her play Saint Alice of Chattahoochie . “It's not about cancer, it's not sentimental. It's just a ridiculous one-woman play.” Johnson's 30-character tall tale, set in her hometown of Columbus, Georgia, is about a girl who wants to become a famous lip-sync artist, but faces the ruthless rejection of youth-group ministers, theater directors, “budding gay-dude divas” and child beauty pageant queens. “It's about bruised egos, aspiring to greatness and getting the shit kicked out of you,” Johnson explains. It's also, essentially about the depressing reality of “not getting picked,” something Johnson herself has faced as an actor in New York and L.A. People say, “It must be great to perform by yourself,” says Johnson in her sweet California-infused Southern accent. “Truth is, I would love to work with other people, but nobody ever picked me. I got sick of wanting people to pick me so I thought, I've gotta pick myself!” When the play passed through Johnson's hometown last year, many appreciated its brilliance, but others were seriously upset. “I thought I was going to get tarred and feathered,” admits Johnson, a hint of satisfaction gleaming in her bright eyes. “There are people in my family who are not speaking to me because they are completely offended. For some people, it speaks to their heart, but a lot of people want me dead!”

Fri., March 13, 9 p.m.; Sat., March 14, 9 p.m., 2009

LA Weekly