FRIDAY, February 15

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For the love of Allah, that's a big Koran. See Friday.

“What Coachella is to rockers or the Consumer Electronics Show is to techies, the California International Antiquarian Book Fair is to lovers of rare and unusual books,” boasts the surprisingly nervy press release of this weekend's gathering of read-heads. The big draw — along with more first editions than you can shake your spine at — is a fragment from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Workshops both days, too, such as “Rare Books 101,” an overview of how to start collecting. Now where is that first-edition Stuart Little I know I put someplace? What else is there to say? How about — a tome at last! Book 'em! An event for the pages! Jackets required! Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel, 2025 Avenue of the Stars, Century City; Fri., Feb. 15, 2-9 p.m.; Sat., Feb. 16, 11 a.m.-7 p.m.; Sun., Feb. 17, 11 a.m.-5 p.m.; $15 on Fri. for a three-day ticket; $10 Sat.-Sun. (800) 454-6401.

 SATURDAY, February 16

Usually it's just too tempting to make fun of the monthly Hollywood Collectors and Celebrities Show (see every listing for past decade), with its parade of autograph-hawking former TV stars we all thought were dead. But this month the organizers have scored appearances from show-biz legends Carol Channing, Peter Falk, George Kennedy and Ernest Borgnine. That's Hollywood star power equal to a dozen Rip Taylors, 50 Billy Mumys and a case of Bernie Kopells. Burbank Airport Marriott Hotel & Convention Center, 2500 Hollywood Way, Burbank; Fri., Feb. 15, 11 a.m.-6 p.m.; Sat., Feb. 16, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; $20, $30 two-day pass. (818) 843-6000.

 SUNDAY, February 17

Do you remember when we were at that Gun Club show at Madame Wong's and that guy puked on your Doc Martens? No? Me neither. But some of you were there and won't want to miss “The Parties, The Punks, The Present,” a “live oral-history panel” on the old downtown clubs and bars where a man could go to mutilate himself and sing about it. Paul Greenstein (Madame Wong's, Atomic Cafe), Lili Lakich (Museum of Neon Art), Judith Hansen (Gorky's), Regina O'Brien (Plastic Passion) and (tentatively) Mark Kriesel (Al's Bar) try not to cry as they remember the tears, the songs, the laughter, etc. Weeneez/Julie Rico Gallery (formerly Red Dot Gallery), 500 S. Spring St., dwntwn.; Sun., Feb. 17, 3-5 p.m.; free. (213) 817-6002.

 MONDAY, February 18

It's Presidents Day, so let's celebrate by doing something nice for someone. The idea behind the Los Angeles Mission's eighth annual March for Human Dignity is to “address the many issues that diminish the dignity of homeless people every day of the year. Lack of availability of new underwear is one of those issues — and translates into a loss of self-respect for the homeless.” So bring a package or two of brand-new tighty-whiteys and join the march. Begins at courtyard of Richard J. Riordan Central Library (Flower & Fifth sts.). Marchers will make their way east down Fifth St. to the Los Angeles Mission on 303 E. Fifth St., dwntwn.; Mon., Feb. 18, meet at 9 a.m.; program at 9:45 a.m.; march at 10 a.m.

 TUESDAY, February 19

You've seen the Oscar nominees, but you're not ready for the big event till you've held one of those bad boys in your hands — all 18-and-a-half pounds and 13-and-a-half inches. Once again, you can Meet the Oscars — and that's an order! The 50 statuettes that will be handed out on February 24 are all on display, and there are interactive trivia kiosks, movie quotes and factoids — plus an Oscar you can fondle and use to play out your movie-star fantasy, if only for a minute. Hollywood & Highland Center, fourth level; Sun.-Thurs., noon-7 p.m.; Fri.-Sat., noon-8 p.m.; thru Feb. 23. (323) 817-0200 or

 WEDNESDAY, February 20

Brently Heilbron and Liz Feldman are two comedy names you can trust to be worth getting your car broken into in Hollywood. Heilbron was behind the successful “Richard Simmons Mysteries,” and Feldman is just fucking funny. Together, they bring you Our Awesome War Show! Here's how they plug it: “Remember the war? That's right, that one going on right now. Remember how thrilled you were when it started? It's time to feel excited all over again as super patriots Brently and Liz present Our Awesome War Show! featuring celebrity guests and a faux USO vibe. We're in it to win it!” Comedy Central Stage at the Hudson, 6539 Santa Monica Blvd., Hlywd.; Wed., Feb. 20, 8 p.m.; free, resv. required. (323) 960-5519. 

THURSDAY, February 21

Do we really need a tribute to the songs of Helen Reddy? You bet your “Delta Dawn” we do! Reddy or Not is a musical comedy starring Alex Boling and Joanna Parson. Now we turn to the press release: “Will this idealistic young woman and excitable young gay man become fast friends, or spiteful combatants? Will they rise above the events of the evening and win over new fans to their mutual obsession?” Not only will we find out, but the dramatic possibilities of “Ain't No Way to Treat a Lady” are vast. The McCadden Place Theatre, 1157 McCadden Place, Hlywd.; Thurs., 8 p.m.; thru March 6; also Sun., March 2, 2 p.m.; $15. (323) 377-7857.

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