If beef is red meat, pork is the other white meat and termite larvae is the clear meat, what in the hell is semen? We don't want to know. [Editor's note: Thanksgiving is over. You're fasting today anyway, right?]

We're not convinced that Natural Harvest, a 61-page cookbook of “semen-based” recipes (blech, gag, barf), is real. We want to believe it isn't. Written by “Fotie Photenhauer,” it purportedly contains contains dozens of semen-based recipes, including “obvious” ones like Hollandaise sauce flan as well as protein-heavy dishes (now with a little extra protein) like veal scaloppini.

We're not willing to spend $24.95 on the hard copy to find out. We're not willing to spend $9.99 on the e-book either. We're not willing to spend a single cent on Natural Harvest. In fact, you'd have to deplete a sultan's treasury to convince us to even test any of its recipes, let alone determine whether semen really is “an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.”

Sometimes, the ad copy just writes itself:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cook book!

Elina Shatkin is a staff writer at LA Weekly. Follow her at @elinashatkin or contact her at eshatkin@laweekly.com.

LA Weekly