Kids these days! Who can tell what they want? Nation's Restaurant News, that's who.

The industry magazine, which, to be fair (or actually to be really, really condescending but still accurate), mainly caters to the owners of Applebee's somewhere in rural Ohio, has published a story about the 7 ways to cater to Millennials (that's old people code for young people). Apparently, these young people are attractive to old restaurant owners because there are a lot of them and, while you certainly don't want them on your lawn you do want them to spend money in your restaurants. And so, Nation's Restaurant News has offered some handy advice for what the crazy kids want.

To find out, they spoke to Craig LaRosa, who is an old person who someone pays actual money to find out about young people. And his insights are staggering. A taste:

“Offer food that's good for you, but not 'healthy.'” Because apparently, Millennials have a new way of talking where words don't mean exactly what they are defined as meaning.

“They also are not interested in the standard service in which the food for each course is brought out all at once. Instead, they like plates to be delivered as soon as they're ready.”

“Millennials are not only fond of small portion sizes, but they also like fewer ingredients. 'When they shop, the less ingredients, the better,' LaRosa said, adding that members of Generation Y like 'clean' labels that list ingredients that they can identify.” (Um, Craig, old buddy old pal? I think you may be confusing wanting fewer ingredients with not wanting a bunch of crap … it's like this thing? Where people don't want to eat crap? Oh, never mind.)

“LaRosa said some members of Gen Y have even bought cows, named them, had them slaughtered and then shared the beef.” Ummm … OK.

Other things young people like: open kitchens, tacos (because they are portable), kale, and rabbit. So, old folks, listen up: To get those urchins off your lawn and into your restaurants you should buy a cow, name it, kill it and cook it in your open kitchen, serve it really fucking quickly with very few other ingredients — kale and rabbit perhaps? Then serve it as a Korean taco. Does that sound good for you but not healthy? Awesome.

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