Barbie DavenporteEver wanted to bang an inflatable version of Miley Cyrus? Yeah me, too, and thank goodness the kind people in the adult biz have read my letters.
The Finally Mylie blow-up doll has hit the market and we barely had enough time to squeal “Sweet niblets!” before the fun police swarmed and slapped a lawsuit on the geniuses responsible.
From the box:
“She's had years of practice speaking into the mic, and now she's ready for yours. Just add air and this teen-queen pole-dancing princess comes of age right before your own eyes. Daddy's little stoner is ready for you to bone her!”
Geniuses, I tell you. They call themselves Pipedream Products, a company that has released love dolls in honor of every top celebrity you love to pretend you hate:
Lady Gag Gag (Lady Gaga)
She wasn't born this way.
JHo (Jennifer Lopez)
The “famous fanny” love doll.
Dirty Christina (Christina Aguilera)
Remember when she had two-toned hair? Drrrty.
Sarah Jessica Porkher (Sarah Jessica Parker)
Quick — someone get me a bicycle pump!
You get the idea.
There are lots more (even Kim Kardashian's got a rubber doppelganger named Kinky Kim) and immediately following the big New Product! announcement often comes a cease and desist letter.
Pipedream Products' Public Relations Manager Kevin Johnson tells AfterDarkLA that in most cases the company simply abides by the legal team's wishes, pulls the doll from the market, and ceases production.
But thanks to the advent of social media, word gets out faster than Pipedream can announce the doll's availability and sells out before any suits can slap them with an angry letter.
“[The day Finally Mylie came out] our website crashed from all the traffic for about an hour and I couldn't get my work done,” Johnson tells AfterDarkLA. “One of the ones we released last year, which I'm not allowed to name officially, sold out in 48 hours.”
And when Pipedream unveiled the Crackhead Charlie Winning Love Doll – guess who that's in honor of – earlier this week at a Las Vegas industry trade show, a sales record may have been broken when it sold out entirely in one day.
Winning. Winning. Winning. Winning. Winning.
“Our Super Star Series is the world's best-selling love doll line,” Johnson says. “Our CEO decides which dolls we come out with. He finds a model who looks hot enough and if he thinks he or she will be popular we release the doll.
We believe we have every right to create parody products, just like any porn producer does, but in most cases we just follow the attorney's wishes and remove the doll from the market. There have been cases in which we have fought back. Kinky Kim for example is still available because they had no case to stand on and they knew it.”
Ah, what's being served for dinner? Sweet big-assed justice.
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