L.A. WEEKLY: Who do people say you look like?
AMY SCHUMER: Linda Blair in The Exorcist. One time a guy said I looked like Nicole Kidman, but then he specified “in the movie Dead Calm.”
If Wikipedia is to be believed, you are the niece of New York's Sen. Charles Schumer. What does he think of your act?
He is not my uncle, he is my dad's cousin, I don't even think they are first cousins. He knows I exist, I have run into him a few times in NYC, but I highly doubt he has ever seen my act. Something for him to look forward to!
When was the last time you had a day job?
My last day job was last week: I donated my eggs. It took so long for me to reach orgasm — they only had magazines, I'm an Internet kinda gal. No, it was actually sorting mail at an office building. I loved it, honestly. The mailman would bring huge bags of mail and I didn't have to talk to anyone all day. I got really good and fast with it. It was like The Hudsucker Proxy.
What would your fans be most surprised to learn about you?
I have two scars. One on my thigh from a bad surfing accident and I have another scar on my lower back from a worse accident, getting a tribal tattoo. Both happened when I was 18. I wish I could blame the ocean for both.
If you could eliminate one overused standup comedy premise, what would it be?
Jokes about lower-back tattoos.
What's one of your weirdest stories as a comedian?
In 2005 I was featuring for Tammy Pescatelli at the Schaumberg Improv outside Chicago. I was onstage bombing horribly. Just really eating it. Tammy walked out on stage and told me there was a bomb threat. I thought she was being mean. Then I realized the club was in a strip mall and we all had to evacuate. It was real. Divine intervention, I guess.
If you had a sitcom about your life, what would it be about and what would it be called?
It would be just like HBO's The Wire, but from the drug users' point of view. The title: Schumerica.
What do you like to do when in L.A.?
When I am in L.A., at night I like to run around town and do a bunch of shows. I like to end up at the Improv's bar or the bar by UCB and have some drinks with comics I am friends with who live there. During the day I like to hike Runyon and pretend like I lost my dog. It helps break the ice and is great for networking. I like going in for meetings in tall, tall buildings with no parking, where people tell me how great I am and then I never see them again. I like the Burbank Spa. I like grabbing my L.A. men, Itay Reiss and Derek Van Pelt, for a meal. They pay! I like complaining about L.A. and how much better New York is and then crying the whole flight home because it's not true. I like going to the Beverly Center with my best friend, Jackie Monahan, and pretending we are mannequins. That's all.

Sat., Feb. 5, 7:30 & 9:30 p.m., 2011

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