This is maybe a tired premise, or maybe a clichéd premise, or maybe something somewhere in between both of those, or maybe something nowhere close to either. Or maybe, DEFINITELY, not:
Drake released new music –the uneasy, unstoppably haunting “Started From The Bottom.” Produced by the perfectly named Mike Zombie, it is, initially, only inches deep. But Drake is WAY too clever for it to not be something more than just some thumps and tinks and back of the throat croaks. He is, after all, perhaps the most important rapper of the last five years.
So, like 'twas foretold in the bible, probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of “Started From The Bottom,” will unearth itself. Probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of “Started From The Bottom” will come creeping out of the darkest corners of the cosmos. Probably if it's played 35 times in a row without a second's break, then the message, the real message, THE REAL MESSAGE of “Started From The Bottom” will ooze out from the fringes of existence. Listen to it precisely 35 times and all will be yours, they said. So hell yeah, fucking right, we said.
The DRAKE 35x experiment:
Listenings: One through three
Easy breezy. This is clearly a good song. I can't think of too many other rappers that are as good at, during any point in time, bottling rap's zeitgeist and packaging it as a more consumable product that Drake. He is the ultimate cultural spin doctor.
Ooh, semi-related: Gross. Remember the Spin Doctors? You guys really botched that one, White People.
Listenings: Four through nine
Just some pertinent facts: Drake started from the bottom (or, at least an approximation of the bottom). And now he's here. What's more, he brought his whole team with him. Thus, they're all here too. Matter of fact, they're fucking here.
Listenings: Ten through twelve
I suspect Drake's meaning to use “fucking” in the phrase “fucking here” as an adjective, though I'm quite sure it also serves as a verb in real life. How many girls do you think have had sex with guys that have stood near Drake in hopes of actually having sex with Drake? A billion? How much sex a guy is having is almost certainly directly related to how near Drake said guy is able to stand. Consider that.
NEW IDEA: You know on Temple Run how, after earning enough coins, you can purchase those wings that let you skip past the first 2,500 meters or whatever? There should be wings like that for girls trying to have sex with Drake. Like, if you have them, if you have Whore Wings™, you can skip right past giving Terrence a handy in the bathroom and get straight to the jungle part of the game or whatever. I don't know. I've only played Temple Run, like, I'd guess about six times, so that analogy started to dissipate pretty quickly. I remember this one time I figured it'd be smart if I took a bunch of those flavor packets from Ramen Noodle Soup packages and made beef flavored kool-aid. (I was hungry and thirsty, obvs.) It sounded WAY better in my head. This is like that.
Listenings: Fourteen through nineteen
We are getting into the meat of it. I can feel the universe opening up its sex regions to my hypothalamus. This is probably exactly what it felt like for Einstein right before he came up with the theory of relativity, or what it felt like for the guy that invented the Sega Genesis right before he invented the Sega Genesis. We will be having cocktails with the greats soon.
Listenings: Twenty through twenty-two
Oh no. My brain, it is beginning to betray me. The water is becoming too deep. I'm tangled in Drake's nest. I'm being driven off course. THE DEVIL IS BUSY.
The more this plays, the more mysterious the seemingly simple construct “here” place becomes. It's the only thing I can even think about. I'm not sure I can even remember to breathe anymore. Here? HERE? What does that mean, “here”? What's there? What's it look like? Is it the worst? Is it amazing? Is it the lost city of Z? Is it Drake's house? OH MY GOD IS IT DRAKE'S HOUSE?! Drake has all sorts of amazing shit at his house, for sure. Like, I'll bet he has a wishing well in his house that actually works. And he definitely those doorknockers from Labyrinth that talk! And OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE PETS. Drake has the best pets, I just know it. Even money: When you walk into the front room, there's a credenza for a very nice television there, except instead of a very nice TV there are just a bunch of koala bears and shit walking around. OMGOMGOMGOMG I want to go to Drake's house SO BAD because I just know it's exactly like Adventures Of The Little Koala.
OH FUCK, I bet David The Gnome lives there too. HOLY CHRIST Drake has all the best old Nickelodeon TV shows living at his house! There's probably a You Can't Say That On Television room and a Salute Your Shorts room and a Double Dare room. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quit. I'm dead. I'm done. Drake wins it all. Drake a superhero. Jelly from my ears. There's been a crack, a break in reality. What's real?
Listenings: Twuhnty-three throoooo 20+8
Well, that's it. So now I'm going to spend the next 18 minutes trying to find a place to illegally purchase a koala bear.
No luck. Fuck. I mean, is this even life if a man can't come from a long day's work to a bunch of koala bears climbing on his furniture and being adorable and whatnot? This is Obama's America.
p.s. We're I to actually find a koala bear, I'd lay the over/under on it's lifespan at, say, four days. I'm still pretty amazed none of my children have died yet.
p.p.s. If you're with your friends, it's funny to make a joke about how when your baby starts crying you just place it inside of the nearest receptacle. It is considerably less funny if you do so in front of people that you only know tangentially. Just respond, “I'm good,” when someone asks you how you're doing, is what I'm saying.
p.p.p.s. I can feel my brain unraveling. It's trying to work it's way out of my nose holes and eyeball holes. This experiment has potentially gone awry.
p.p.p.p.s. Nose hole and eyeball holes? WTF
p.p.p.p.p.s. True story: There used to be a pet store about 35 minutes from my house that sold all sorts of things they probably weren't supposed to be selling. I bought a dwarf caiman from them for $135 because I thought it was a good idea. (A dwarf caiman is basically a tiny crocodile, except “tiny” still means it grows to up to five feet long, which is plenty enough to kill you, turns out.) It wasn't. I had it for, like, maybe three days. And those three days were pretty cool, for sure. But when I tried to clean his cage he totes snapped at my hand. I yanked it back ultra quick. Then I felt a sting. I looked at my fingers and one of them (pinky, I think) was sliced open and bleeding pretty heavily. I was like, “Dude, Tupac-odile Dundee [of course his name was Tupac-odile Dundee], you gotta move out.” That shit was not the move.
Is this song still playing? Am I a part of it??? Have we fused together? Drake is driving a very foreign car down my spine and he is definitely wearing Nike gloves while doing so.
Listenings: 30 through Kansas
aljkdfhasjkldh lad;aihdkl jadhljka ldjkfahluehlauebnaluie
IS “I WEAR EVERY SINGLE CHAIN, EVEN WHEN I'M IN MY HOUSE” THE GREATEST LYRIC EVER WRITTEN?
IS THERE A GOD?
IS THERE A DOG?
IS GOD A DOG?
IS MY DOG GOD?
IS SNOOP A DOG?
is snoop god?
is drake jesus, but is drake also michael jordan?
WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTT IIIIIIIIISSS HHHHAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPEEEEEENNNNNNIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG?
Listenings: Thirty-two through thirty-four
We are everything.
I can sense the SoundCloud time keeper moving forward. I can feel vibrations. Music is somewhere. But I cannot hear anything, I can only hear EVERYTHING. I cannot see anything, I can only see EVERYTHING. It is perfectly white, but it is also perfectly black.
This is it. This is IT.
We are here. Oh my word, we're here. We are at the precipice of what I'm confident will age to be the most monumental intellectual happening of the modern era. They will talk about this the way they've talked about nothing else. This will shift the trade winds and stall the ocean currents. The moon will cease to reflect light from the sun anymore. Humans will age in reverse. The Wire will return for a sixth season. This is all of everything of anything of something of nothing of something of anything of everything. This is all of the time, always.
Started from the bottom, now we here. The 35th listen; unending insight; bottomless knowledge; infinite jest.
…this can't be…
…is this happeni–
…it is, it's happeni–