You think the Los Angeles Police Department is a little nervous about Friday night's Critical Mass bike ride? In May cops and cyclists clashed, with riders claiming that an officer threw a kick at a bike (a move apparently caught on tape) while others threw riders down. (It's under investigation).

Now LAPD has released a passive-aggressive statement wishing the riders well but warning there will be no shenanigans.

It'll be a warm night, and the moon's almost full, so maybe police are justified in fearing lots of skinny, stoned people on bikes. Sounding a little like an authority figure on Beavis & Butthead, LAPD listed things it does NOT want to see …


Thefts / Assaults

*Gluten-free sack lunches

Criminal Threats

Drinking in Public


Smoking/using illicit substances

*Stinky people.

Driving/Riding under the influence

Running red lights/Stop sign


Crossing the center line or riding against traffic


Is this a bike ride or a biker convention?

For those who dare, the party starts at 7:30 p.m. at Wilshire Boulevard and Western Avenue in Koreatown and goes — wherever it pleases. Bring your own pepper spray.

*We kid (but the rest of the list is real).

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